All those irritatin' things that git under my collar
& make me wanna
hollar!
Afghanistan And Terrorism: You know what really burns a bag full o'
crap on my porch? That Salami Bin Rotten Guy. Him and those Talibung
Fellers over there in Africa Ghanistan. They done got me to the point
where every time somebody says alamode anymore I hit the deck before
they gets to mode, cuz I is waitin' fer the explosion. Especially when
they say Allahu Snackbar.Business Dress Codes: Ya know what else really refries my beans?
Well, I’m here to tell ya. Business dress codes. Like ya can’t be all
professional if you aint got no tie chokin’ ya ‘round the throat. It’s
gettin’ so ya can’t feeds the slop-hogs without full business dress
attire. Ya know why people’s wears their ties to work? So when their
bosses get all up in their faces and they can’t takes it no more, they
have the means to hang themselves. There aint no other reason. Butt
Pimples: You know what really grinds at my teeth?
Butt pimples. It's like every time I turns around another one pops up.
It gets so bad at times, I is afraid to sits down. So I gots me one of
them jars of pimple cream like ya see in those commercials on TV. I
figure if they works on the face, they has to work on the butt. So I
rubbed it in real good and all. It worked like a charm. Before you
knows it, my butt was as smooth as a new born babies butt. Just a
little harrier is all. So now I can go out and meet the ladies with
confidence. Cuz I knows I look good! Deodorant: Ya know what else really pokes and prods at
my hindquarters? Let me tell ya brother. Deodorant. ‘Cause either ya
stinks or ya doesn’t. A little bit a-coverin’ up aint gonna help
nuttin’. It aint never worked for me. Fancy Names For Food: You know what really mows my lawn with a
dull blade? Well let me tell ya. Fancy names for food. Like cornish
game hens. It's just another name for a bird. Tastes pretty good
though. Kinda tastes like chicken. Forgetting Your Head If It Weren't
attached: You know what really bunches my drawers in
a wad? The old sayin' about forgettin' yer head if it weren't
attached. I mean, of course you'd forget yer head if it weren't
attached. In fact, you wouldn't remember nuttin' cuz you'd be dead.
Why don't they try somethin' new for a change? Like you'd forget your
butt if it weren't attached, then you'd have nuttin' at all to
scratch. I think that sounds a lot better, don't you?Friends Don't Let Friends Drive
Drunk: You know what really spits in my beer?
Those commercials that say that friends don't let friends drive drunk.
Now let's say, fer instance, that me and my good friend Clem drive
over to the Guzzle 'Till You Barf Pub, together. Then, let's say fer
instance, that we both gets all-a-plastered and a-bombed. So then Clem
wants to drive home, but I says "you aint-a-drivin' home cuz you is
drunk and I is yer friend!" So then I grabs the keys outta his hand
(all-a-rude like). But then he says to me "you aint-a-drivin' home cuz
you is drunk and I is yer friend!" So then we get all-a-fisticuffs
over it and beat each others heads in a butt-kickin' frenzy. So now we
get all up in each other's faces just-a-cuz of a stupid commercial.
Well thanks but no thanks, we'll just have to drive home drunk. It's
safer that way.Getting Fired: And there is somethin’ else that really
eats at me like a crawdad in my underpants. Gettin’ fired. It’s like
ya can’t spend a little time just goofin’ off and havin’ a little fun.
A little thumb tack on the bosses chair, a little super glue causin’
his coffee cup to stick to his desk or a handful of marbles on his
office floor, makin’ him fall. It aint like you’re tryin’ ta kill him
or nuttin’. Just havin’ a little fun is all. I aint done it but three
or four times, tops. Then ya sticks a handful of sugar in his cup of
coffee to make it reel sweet . How’s I supposed to know he’s a
diaretic? He plum went into a diaretic coma. He aint never come out
yet neither. That’s a lot of diarrhea man! I swear I didn’t mean for
nuttin’ like that to happen. Grampa's Stories: You know what really irritates me like an
attack of roids? The old stories your grampa used to tell you when you
was a child. Like how he used to have to walk ten miles through three
feet of snow just to get his welfare check. Shucks, I told him he'd-a
been better off workin'.Heavy Metal: You know what really perturbs and disturbs
me? That gosh dern heavy metal music! Like that acid rock the kids is
listenin' to these days. It aint got nuttin' on good ole' Waylon
Jennin's or Hank Williams. You gotta have some banjo in the music to
make it sound right. And the guitar has to have a twang to it.
Remember, it aint got a thang if it aint got that twang.High Society: You know what really eats at me like a rat
on cheese? Stuck up high society peoples. You know, like the kinds
that think they is all too smart fer ya just-a-cuz they has an
education above the sixth grade. Then they talks all about their
wonderful jawbs, like my jawb isn't as important as theirs. Ya see, I
work at my grampaw's bait shop down by the fishin' hole. But nobody
finds them big juicy night crawlers like the kinds I digs up. I'd
kinda like to see those little sissy boys in their fancy suits try to
digs up the night crawlers like the size of the ones I gets. Cuz I
always had a gift fer that sort of thang. Not everybody has that gift
either. There is just so many peoples in this world blessed with that
kind of talent. And I is proud to say that I is one of the few. So you
can have your Oscars and your Grammys and your congressional medal of
honor, that don't impress me none at all. Cuz I got my nightcrawlers
at Grampaw's bait shop down by the fishin' hole. And ya can't takes
that away from me. Not unless you pay me 99 cents for a can of them. I
throws the dirt in for free! And that's what I calls dirt-cheap! Get
it? Dirt-cheap! Oh, nevermind. Ignorance Is Bliss: There’s somethin’ else that really gnaws at
my Adam’s apple. The old sayin’ "Ignorance is bliss". Shucks, I’ve
been ignorant all-a-my life and I aint ever been nuttin’ but
miserable.Job Interviews: You know what really nails my hairy butt to
the floor? Job interviews. Like you go to one and everybody thinks you
should want the job real bad. Shucks, the only reason I wanted one is
just to keep from getting throwed outta my trailer in the cold dead of
winter time in the middle of the night. I lived in a cardboard box in
the dead of winter and I aint particularly partial to it. It’s really
bad when you goes to take a dumps and it plum freezes to your
backside. Then ya has to chisel it off with an ice pick. So you just
goes to the job interview and tells them what you thinks they wants ta
hear. You just tells them that you aint gonna drink too much on the
jawb and you won’t be too late everyday and that sorta stuff. Kids These
Days: You know what really yanks my crank? Kids
these days. Cuz they don't know what hard work is all about. They
don't know what it's like to work a full time jawb every day. You see,
I works at least ten hours a week at the bait shop. Sometimes as many
as twelve. Grampa's always kiddin' me about burnin' the midnight oil
and all. But you has to work hard if you wants to get somewhere in
this life.Laxative Commercials: You know what really bangs me in
the groin like it don’t know how to stop? Laxative commercials. Like
people really needs them. All you really needs to have is about two
cups of bad coffee and a bran muffin. You’d be runnin’ people over on
your way to work just hoping you can make there before you lay
yourself a pile in your drawers.Male Models: You know what gags me like a finger down my
throat? Little sissified pretty boy types. Like them kinds ya see
modelin’ in the catalogs. Just-a-prancin’ around like a bunch of nancy
boys in just their skimpy little skibbies. Everybody knows they don’t
like womenfolk anyhow. So why is all the womenfolk getting’
all-a-flustered over them? It don’t make me no sense at all. And like
underdrawers is usually that white anyhow. Show me a white pair of
underdrawers and and I’ll show you the wrapper it just came outta.
Schucks I left more skidmarks on my underdrawers than Richard Petty
ever did on the race track.Men At Work Signs: You know what really plucks my nostril
hairs with a rusty ole pair o’ pliers? Well, pluck the hair outta your
ears, ‘cause I’m-a-gonna tell ya. Men at work signs. There aint never
been one darn time when I saw one of them signs and seen someone
workin'. They is usually goofin’ off. They should have a sign that
says: We is goofin’ off and and you is payin' fer it. No
Loitering Signs: You know what gets me? Well clean the wax
outta yer ears, cuz I aims to tell ya! "No Loitering" signs. It’s like
the other day when I was drivin’ down the road and I seen my cousin
Billy Bob’s pickup truck parked outside the Stop and Go Deli. I
recognized it by the "Redneck and Proud" bumper sticker. Well I aint
seen him since the hog callin’ contest at the county fair. So I says
to myself: "That just has to be Billy Bob’s truck, I just knows it!"
So I stopped and went in to talk to him. We was-a-talkin’ ‘bout how
his wife, Daisy Lou, left him fer a feller with money. One of them
sissyfied, tie wearin’ types that speaks all in proper English. Like
we is supposed to be impressed by that. So now she thinks she’s
all-a-too good fer Billy Bob cuz he makes his livin’ cashin’ in
returnable bottles. It aint like there aint a need for such a service.
But then all-a-sudden the owner of the place points to a "No Loitering
" sign, like we is just a loiterin’ around doin’ nuttin’. I says "Hold
on, I’ll be gone in just a minute. Don’t get yer frickin’ long johns
in a bunch!" He was actin’ like he was expectin’ us to scatter like
roaches when you turn the light on, just-a-cuz he points to a little
sign. But then he was-a-lookin’ like he was gettin’ all steamed up
like a clam on the half-shell. So he says to me: "You know, we expect
our customers to wear shirts" and he points to a sign that says "No
shirts, No shoes, No service!" I figure it aint no big deal cuz I
didn’t want any service, I was just there to talk to Billy Bob anyhow.
Like me leaning over freshly baked pastries with no shirt on is gonna
hurt somethin’. So I had to leave cuz the feller just had no class at
all. Well, the police officer he called also told me to leave. But I
still have my principles. Reality TV: You know what really tugs away at my armpit
hairs? Those new shows on TV. Like that Survivor show. First ya has
this really happy feller, he must be really happy, cuz everybody kept
sayin' he's gay. And he's always walkin' round neked as a jay bird.
Without so much as a stich o' clothin' on. Then everybody votes each
other off that danged island and the only one who's left is the really
happy feller that always walks around neked. It don't make me no sense
at all.Senility: You know what really bangs on my head like
a hammer ‘till dawn? Senile old peoples. Like when grandmaw
starts-a-thinkin’ I’m still but five years of old, and then she aims
to take a stick to me back behind the wood shed. Or when she goes to
the fridgidaire to get’s herself an ice cold sodi-pop and just stands
there for about three hours just-a-wonderin’ what she’s there fer. I
know it was three hours ‘cause I timed her one day. Then I come home
from hard day of possum huntin' just to find out grandmaw had herself
another episode. Shucks, she’s had more episodes than the frickin’
Andy Griffith show.Sex Change Operations: You know what gets me? Those fellers that
get those sex arrange operations. They gets all their private parts
all-a-chopped up and sewn together to be like a woman. it don't make
me no sense at all. None of them look like women when they is done
anyhow. They just look like a bunch of linebackers in a dress. Then
they tells people to call them all these sweet little girly names like
Buffy and Bambi. Which don't really go too well with their manly
voices, adams apples and back hair.Shampoo Commercials: You know what else really bugs me like a
skeeter in my ear? Shampoo commercials. Like that one where the woman
gets all hot and heavy breathin' just from washin' her hair. I washed
my hair at least three or four times in my life and aint ever got that
much enjoyment from it.Smart-asses: You know what really irritates me like a
feather up my butt? The words smart-ass, dumb-ass and wise-ass. After
all, aint they all really the same thang? Isn't a smart-ass just a
dumb-ass who thinks he's smart? And what about a wise-ass? Isn't that
just a smart-ass who thinks he's wise beyond his years? They is all
just a form of jack-ass really. The only real difference is that the
dumb-ass is the only one who's smart enough to knows when to shut up.
And that's all I has to say about that! Soap
Operas: You know what really gets me? Those soap
operators you see on TV. First they kills somebody off and then six
months later, when the feller finds out he can't get no other work,
they writes him back into the show. They tries to find some logical
way to explain how Ridge McBrook fell outta the plane after bein' all
shot up in the head with a pistol at point-blank range and somehow
survived. First off, if you has ten bullets in your head, you is
probably dead! It don't even matter if they throws you out of the
plane without a parachute, cuz you is dead even before ya hits the
ground. And if ya wasn't dead before you hits the ground, you know you
is after. Ya just don't bounce back from that sorta thing. Then when
Cliff Van Cleef falls off the cliff, into the sea, six months later he
washes up somewhere in the midwest, where there aint even an ocean.
Then he can't remember nuttin'. He's got anastasia, so you has to go
through this long process of him trin' to remember everythin'. Stepping
In Dog Crap: Ya know what really makes the hairs on my
butt stand on end? How ya never smells dawg crap until after ya steps
in it? Like the time when my good friend Jethro came over to give me a
ride to the fishin' hole. We was-a-ridin' down the road, when
all-a-sudden, we was a smellin' somethin' a little rotten and very
similar to the distinct fragrance of dawg crap. Then I looks down and
see that good ole' Shep left a little somethin' for me out on the lawn
and I done stepped all in it. Well Jethro was all-a-huffin'
and-a-puffin' cuz I smudged it all in the floor mat of his brand
spankin' new Ford Pickup. That was the last time he ever came over to
my house too. It's a shame when somethin' like that has to come
between old friends. Tooth Brushes: Ya know
what gets me? Well, I’ll tell ya. Why do people spend so much time
just-a-brushin’ away at their teeth? It don’t make me no sense at all.
That’s sissy stuff! Just look at how much money is wasted on teeth
brushes, teeth paste and stuff. Do you know how much beer and pizza
pie that could buy? My cousin Billy Bubba is always just-a-brushin’
away at his teeth. You can’t ever see him without no toothbrush
a-stickin’ outta his mouth. He is a fanatic. Why, he must brush his
teeth at least twice a week.
