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1699
To their Excellencies the Lords Justices of Ireland,
The humble petition of Frances Harris,
Who must starve and die a maid if it miscarries;
Humble sheweth, that I went to warm myself in Lady
Betty's chamber, because I
was cold;
And I had in a purse seven pounds, four shillings, and
sixpence, (besides
farthings) in money and gold;
So because I had been buying things for my lady last
night,
I was resolved to tell my money, to see if it was right.
Now, you must know, because my trunk has a very bad
lock,
Therefore all the money I have, which, God knows, is a
very small stock,
I keep in my pocket, tied about my middle, next my
smock.
So when I went to put up my purse, as God would have it,
my smock was unripped,
And instead of putting it into my pocket, down it
slipped;
Then the bell rung, and I went down to put my lady to
bed;
And, God knows, I thought my money was as safe as my
maidenhead.
So, when I came up again, I found my pocket feel very
light;
But when I searched, and missed my purse, Lord! I
thought I should have sunk
outright.
"Lord! madam," says Mary, "how d'ye do?" -"Indeed," says
I, "never worse:
But pray, Mary, can you tell what I have done with my
purse?"
"Lord help me!" says Mary, "I never stirred out of this
place!"
"Nay," said I, "I had it in Lady Betty's chamber, that's
a plain case."
So Mary got me to bed, and covered me up warm:
However, she stole away my garters, that I might do
myself no harm.
So I tumbled and tossed all night, as you may very well
think,
But hardly ever set my eyes together, or slept a wink.
So I was a-dreamed, methought, that I went and searched
the folks round,
And in a corner of Mrs Duke's box, tied in a rag, the
money was found.
So next morning we told Whittle, and he fell a swearing:
Then my dame Wadgar came, and she, you know, is thick of
hearing.
"Dame," says I, as loud as I could bawl, "do you know
what a loss I have had?"
"Nay," says she, "my Lord Colway's folks are all very
sad:
For my Lord Dromedary comes a Tuesday without fail."
"Pugh!" said I, "but that's not the business that I
ail."
Says Cary, says he, "I have been a servant this five and
twenty years come
spring,
And in all the places I lived I never heard of such a
thing."
"Yes," says the steward, "I remember when I was at my
Lord Shrewsbury's,
Such a thing as this happened, just about the time of
gooseberries."
So I went to the party suspected, and I found her full
of grief:
(Now, you must know, of all things in the world I hate a
thief:)
However, I was resolved to bring the discourse slily
about:
"Mrs Duke," said I, "here's an ugly accident has
happened out:
'Tis not that I value the money three skips of a louse:
But the thing I stand upon is the credit of the house.
'Tis true, seven pounds, four shillings, and sixpence
makes a great hole in my
wages:
Besides, as they say, service is no inheritance in these
ages.
Now, Mrs Duke, you know, and everybody understands,
That though 'tis hard to judge, yet money can't go
without hands."
"The devil take me!" said she, (blessing herself,) "if
ever I saw't!"
So she roared like a bedlam, as though I had called her
all to naught.
So, you know, what could I say to her any more?
I e'en left her, and came away as wise as I was before.
Well; but then they would have had me gone to the
cunning man:
"No," said I, "'tis the same thing, the CHAPLAIN will be
here anon."
So the Chaplain came in. Now the servants say he is my
sweetheart,
Because he's always in my chamber, and I always take his
part.
So, as the devil would have it, before I was aware, out
I blundered,
"Parson," said I, "can you cast a nativity, when a
body's plundered?"
(Now you must know, he hates to be called Parson, like
the devil!)
"Truly," says he, "Mrs Nab, it might become you to be
more civil;
If your money be gone, as a learned Divine says, d'ye
see,
You are no text for my handling; so take that from me:
I was never taken for a Conjurer before, I'd have you to
know."
"Lord!" said I, "don't be angry, I am sure I never
thought you so;
You know I honour the cloth; I design to be a Parson's
wife;
I never took one in your coat for a conjurer in all my
life."
With that he twisted his girdle at me like a rope, as
who should say,
`Now you may go hang yourself for me!' and so went away.
Well: I thought I should have swooned. "Lord!" said I,
"what shall I do?
I have lost my money, and shall lose my true love too!"
Then my lord called me: "Harry," said my lord, "don't
cry;
I'll give you something toward thy loss: "And," says my
lady, "so will I."
Oh! but, said I, what if, after all, the Chaplain won't
come to?
For that, he said (an't please your Excellencies), I
must petition you.
The premisses tenderly considered, I desire your
Excellencies' protection,
And that I may have a share in next Sunday's collection;
And, over and above, that I may have your Excellencies'
letter,
With an order for the Chaplain aforesaid, or, instead of
him, a better:
And then your poor petitioner, both night and day,
Or the Chaplain (for 'tis his trade,) as in duty bound,
shall ever pray. |
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