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One corny joke after another can be like spending an eternity in Hell.
hell clown
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A Texan dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Texan is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's 90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I like it here. The temperature is just like Texas in June.
The Devil isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to get him, so he goes over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to 90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He find him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The Devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says, "This is even better. It's like Texas in July."
The Devil, now upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. He goes oer to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 deegrees and the humidity to 100%. "Now lets see what the Texan is up to," he says. So he goes looking for the Texan. He find him taking his shirt off, even happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just like Texas in August".
The Devil says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and turns the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see what the Texan has to say about this. "The Devil looks around and finds the Texan jumping up and down for joy yelling, "THE RANGERS HAVE FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!".

Picture it: rural area, Sunday morning, church is packed and the  devil decides to pay a visit.

The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls in with the devil in its midst. People jump out of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor and says, "You! I can understand why you didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like everyone else?"

The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls, "Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to your sister for 36 years!"
Once upon a time there was a lawyer who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made
sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day while
walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her
soul arrived in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter
himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a
lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in Heaven."

"Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell. The doors opened and the lawyer found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing. The lawyer was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

 The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found 
St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her. "So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven. Now you must choose your eternity." The lawyer paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the lawyer went down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the lawyer. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable." 

The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you were a recruit, but today you're an associate."
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?  A: "Have another beer." 
Q: What do you say to the rock star in the three piece suit?  A: "Will the defendant please rise."
Q: What do you say to a glutton for punishment?  A: "Read another joke."
What do you get when you throw an accordion off the Empire State Building? Applause.
I recently had surgery on my hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you a lobotomy."
Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an  elephant's backside  and force fed it for 2 weeks.  But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend
they  decided  to  have  a  go.  A week after the  experiment  had  started  they began  to  realize  WHY  the idea  had  never  been tried,  they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
 
One  of the  scientists came up with the bright idea of  training a monkey to do the job,  so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring equipment and set out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the 3rd went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer.  BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third  scientist  (3 miles away)  was  up to his ankles  in elephant crap,  the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his  waist.  When  the  others  joined  the  scientist who was 1 mile away, they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.  "What the %$*& is so funny?"  asked one of the scientist.  "You should have seen the monkey's  face,  trying to get the cork back in!!!"
Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. "When I got there,  they had me park  my old  truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the parking lot," interrupted  Charlie, a  more worldly fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued. "The sidewalk to the door,"  Charlie corrected him.  "Inside the door,  I was met by this dude," Joe went on. "That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the usher led me down the chute,"  Joe said.   "You mean the aisle," Charlie said.   "Then, he led  me   to  a  stall and  told  me to sit  there,"  Joe  continued.   "Pew,"  Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe.  "That's  what  that  pretty  lady said when  I sat down beside her." evil clown in hell

WHY DON'T SHARKS ATTACK LAWYERS? PROFESSIONAL COURTEOUSY.
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MIDGET FORTUNE TELLER THAT ESCAPED FROM JAIL? THE NEXT DAY THE HEADLINES READ "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE." 
LOSING HIS MIND
The man looked a little worried when the doctor came in to administer his annual physical, so the first thing the doctor did was to ask whether anything was troubling him. "Well, to tell the truth, Doc, yes," answered the patient. "You see, I seem to be getting forgetful. No, it's actually worse than that. I'm never sure I can remember where I put the car, or whether I answered a letter, or where I'm going, or what it is I'm going to do once I get there -- if I get there. So, I really need your help. What can I do?" The doctor mused for a moment, then answered in his kindest tones, "Pay me in advance."
THE SHEPHERDS
Two shepherds were leaning on their crooks at the end of a long hard day of shepherding. The first shepherd asked the second, "So, how's it going?" The second one sighed and shook his head, "Not good. I can't pay my bills, my health isn't good, my kids don't respect me, and my wife is leaving me." The first one replied, "Well, don't lose any sheep over it."
THE MARINADE
One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked. His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc. Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?" She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!" As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?" Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."
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