This guy is at the airport waiting for his flight which leaves
at 6:00 but he has forgotten his watch, so he looks for someone
to ask the time. He spots this guy walking past carrying two
suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks
him for the time. The guy replies, "Sure, which country?" Our
fella asks, "How many countries have you got?" to which the
reply is, "All the countries in the world!" "Wow! That's a
pretty cool watch you've got there." "That's nothing. This watch
also has a GPS facility, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC
television channels and display them on its miniature active
color pixel LCD screen!" "Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a
watch like that one...You wouldn't consider selling it by any
chance?" "Well, actually the novelty has worn off by now, so for
$900, if you want it, it's yours!" Our watchless traveller can
hardly whip out his check book fast enough, and hands over a
check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to
him. "Congratulations, here is your new hi-tech watch!" He then
hands over the two suitcases as well, and says, "And here are
the batteries!"
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods
one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they
spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the
smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in
the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of
animal bones. Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others
and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the
smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says,
"Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the
pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a
replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail.
The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a
human skeleton from animal bones. The engineer, however, is
totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He
calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the
bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its
place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has
a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to
agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is
smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points
to the pile, and says simply, "Bones." The dog rushes over to
the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the
other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
A new
business was opening and one of the owner's friends
wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They
arrived at the new business site and the owner read the
card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called
the florist to complain. After he had told the florist
of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist
replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but
rather than getting angry, you should imagine
this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and they have flowers with a note saying,
'Congratulations on your new location.'"
Pretty goofy Jokes, Huh? Keep
scrolling down for more! |
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Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening,
the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained,
"It's the druggist! He insulted me
terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the
husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an
apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the
druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting
up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but
I'll be darned if I didn't lock the house with
both house and
car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys.
Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about
three
blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
"When I
finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for
me
to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on
these people, and
all the time the darn phone was ringing its
head off. Then I had to break a
roll of nickels against the
cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all
over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the
nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked
my head on
the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back
against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and
half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing
with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your
wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his
act aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years,
and since the crowd was in continual change, he did the same act
over and over. He enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending
most his time out on the Promenade Deck working on his tan, not
new tricks.
One day the Captain bought a parrot, and over
the months brought the parrot with him to see the nightly magic
show.
Being a smart parrot, the bird learned all the
tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden by the
magician in his act. The bird would say, "The card is up his
left sleeve, the flower is under the pot, he hid the money under
his shoe..." Because the parrot would only take about a week to
catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was forced to
continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and harder
by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put it mildly
he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the Captain's he
couldn't just weigh the bird down and drown it.
Late one
night the engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes.
Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber,
floating in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the
only one left alive!
As the sun came up the next morning
and he turned around what should be sitting 20 feet away on the
opposite end of the log--his arch nemesis, the parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for
three days and neither said a word, just glared.
On the fourth day the parrot finally broke the silence and
said, "Okay! I give up. What did you do with the ship?"
Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business
10.
New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8.
The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads
for Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they
run very slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine
warning lights would be replaced by a single 'General Car Fault'
warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make
a car that was solar-powered, twice as reliable and five times
as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You
would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4.
You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a Car98 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten
more seats and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car
would die for no apparent reason and you would have to restart
it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2.
Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have
to buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the
new features of the latest Microsoft cars, forgetting that these
same features had been available from other car makers for
years.
The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods
when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to
live to be 100." That must be God speaking, the attorney
thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out
that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter
Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just
volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and
killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested,
"You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the
very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I
am. Why?" "I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing
it."------------Dan Quayle
Male Jokes
What is the thinnest book in the world? "What men
know about women." How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats
beans for dinner. What's the difference between men and
government bonds? Bonds mature. What do men and beer have in
common? They're both empty from the neck up. How many men does
it take to change a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it
ever happen?? What is a man's idea of doing housework? Lifting
his leg so you can vacuum. What is the difference between a man
and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
A Texan died and went to heaven where St.Peter met him at the
Pearly Gates.
"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St.
Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of
mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers, and all the
trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it the King Ranch
said Tex. St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children
frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging,
swimmming, riding horses,bicycling "We've got that, too. We call
it Six Flags.
Wherupon St. Peter threw oven a trapdoor of the
fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a
solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The
blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that,"
said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
WHY NAGGING A MAN DOESN'T WORK.
What a Woman says:
"This
place is a mess! C'mon,you & I need to clean up. Your stuff is
lying on the floor & if we don't do laundry right now, you'll
have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah,
blah,blah,blah,C'mon
blah, blah,blah,blah,You & I
blah,blah,blah,blah,ON the floor
bhah,blah,blah,blah, Right
Now
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES.
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a
divorce. The attorney asked "May I help you?" The farmer said,
"Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's.
The attorney
said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I
got about 140 acres". The attorney said, "No, you don't
understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't
have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No
you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer
said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said: "No sir, I mean do you have a suit"
The
farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on
Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your
wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we
both get up about 4:30."
Finally the attorney says, "Okay,
let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the
farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is
2+2?" The housewife replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I
think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my
spreadsheet one more time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims
the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it
to be?"
An Italian, a Mexican, and an American were all standing on a
bridge. They decided to through off something that their country
has too much of. The Italian threw off pasta, the Mexican threw
off rice, and the American threw off the Mexican.
Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see
that?" "No," the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew
overhead," the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A
couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There was a
big, black bear walking on that hill, over there." "Oh." A few
minutes later the first guy says: "Did you see that?" By now,
the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says, "Yes, I did!"
And the first guy says: "Then why did you step in it?" |
