JOKES PAGE 9 Redneck Jokes © Craypoe Productions 2001

	THE MOST POPULAR GUY Bubba's boss was getting tired of Bubba proclaiming that he "knew everybody" in the world. "Okay, Bubba," his boss said one day, "Prove to me that you know everybody in the world. Do you know Tom Cruise?" "Oh, me and Tom go way back," said Bubba. So the boss bought airline tickets to Hollywood, and pretty soon Bubba was knocking at Tom Cruise's door, and was shortly admitted by the butler. Tom rushed to greet Bubba and invited him for lunch, and they had a good time discussing movies and things. "Well, I'm impressed," said the boss when they left. "But I bet you don't know President Clinton." "Aw, sure I do," said Bubba, and with that they were off to Washington, and pretty soon, the White House guard was escorting the two men into the Oval Office. "Hiya, Bubba!" said the President, warmly embracing him. After a nice visit and a chat with the Cabinet secretaries, they left. The boss was suitably impressed, but not giving up. "Okay, Bubba, I'm going to ask you if you know the ultimate celebrity --the Pope." "Why, for sure I do!" said Bubba, and pretty soon they were on an airplane to Vatican City. They found themselves in St. Peter's Square in a crowd of thousands, and Bubba said, "Heck, I can't see nothin' from here," and so he went right up to the Swiss Guards and the doors opened to him. The boss waited outside in the square. Pretty soon the door to the upstairs balcony opened, and out comes John Paul II and Bubba. They began to smile and wave at the crowd, with their arms around each other. Shortly thereafter Bubba decided to return to the Square. When he got there, an ambulance was loading his Boss into the back. Bubba rushed up and said, "What happened, Boss?" The boss says, "I was doing fine until you came out on the balcony and the guy next to me says, 'Who is that guy on the balcony with Bubba?'"
	Redneck Wedding Night This redneck couple get married. They go back to the motel after the ceremony, and she changes into a sexy nightgown, lies on the bed, and says, "Be gentle with me; I'm a virgin." At this her new husband bursts into tears, pulls on his clothes, jumps into his pickup truck, and drives home. He tells his father what happened. "Son, you done right," says his pop. "If she weren't good enough for her own family, she ain't good enough for ours."
	WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE A REDNECK DIES? "HEY Y'ALL, WATCH THIS!"
	WHAT DOES A TORNADO AND A REDNECK DIVORCE HAVE IN COMMON? SOMEONE'S FIXIN' TO LOSE A TRAILER.
	WHY DO FLIES HAVE WINGS? SO THEY CAN BEAT THE HILLBILLIES TO THE WATERMELON.
	WHAT'S THE MOST COMMONLY USED PICKUP LINE IN AN ARKANSAS BAR? HEY BABY, NICE TOOTH.
	If 'Windows' Was Invented By Rednecks.... Their #1 product would be "Mikersoft Winders." Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle. Occasionally, you would bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw", or "Git." Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be dueling banjos. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse. Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders 95 theme song would be "Achy-Breaky Heart." Power Point would be called "ParPawnt." The Winders 95 logo would incorporate the confederate flag. Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz." Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver. "Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire." Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator. Mikersoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates. Internet addresses would begin with "dubya, dubya, dubya." When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message "A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone and done it now!
	Fainting Spell When Emily Sue passed out, Bubba immediately called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator. Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive." The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?" There was a long pause. Finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak Street and y'all pick her up there?"
	Verne and the Ventriloquist Verne, a farmer from Georgia, was at a local comedy club for a ventriloquist show. The ventriloquist went too far in his jokes, generalizing all Southerners as rednecks. Verne was offended by these jokes, so he angrily shouted at the man. ”You know what ... not all Southerners are dumb! I don’t appreciate how you stereotype us!" The ventriloquist apologized, and Verne replied, "I wasn't talking to you - I was talking to the rude little guy on your leg!"
	Give Him a Triple A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him and says, "Wanna hear a redneck joke?" The guy next to him replies, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm 6' tall, 200 lbs. and a redneck. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and a redneck. The fella next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and a redneck. Do you still want to tell that joke?" The first guy says, "Nah. I don't want to have to explain it three times."
	Counting Sheep A man walking along a country road comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. He approaches the shepherd and tell him, "I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished -- that's exactly right. "OK," he says, "I'm a man of my word. Take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man, looking around him, smiles and agrees. "You are an economist for a government think tank," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man, "You're exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I'll tell you."
	CAMPING HINTS When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant. A hot rock placed in your sleeping bag will keep your feet warm. A hot enchilada works almost as well, but the cheese sticks between your toes. Eating one can also keep your sleeping bag warm, but do this only when camping alone! The best backpacks are named for national parks or mountain ranges. Steer clear of those named for landfills. While the Swiss Army Knife has been popular for years, the Swiss Navy Knife has remained largely unheralded. Its single blade functions as a tiny canoe paddle. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.
	A 'Grizzly' Tale Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on. The second lawyer looked at him and said, "You're crazy! You'll never be able to outrun that bear!" "I don't have to," the first lawyer replied. "I only have to outrun you."
	A man was driving along a freeway when he noticed a chicken running along side his car. He was amazed to see the chicken keeping up with him because he was doing 50 MPH. He accelerated to 60 and the chicken stayed right next to him. He speeded up to 75 MPH and the chicken passed him up. The man noticed the chicken had three legs. So, he followed to chicken down a road and ended up at a farm. He got out of his car and saw that all the chickens had three legs. He asked the farmer "What's up with these chickens?" The farmer said "Well, everybody likes chicken legs. I bred a three legged bird. I'm going to be a millionaire." The man asked him how they tasted. The farmer said "Don't know, haven't caught one yet."
	A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees. "You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But tell me: how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."

	JOKES-PAGE 9

Redneck Wedding Night