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The Top 10 Signs that You're at a Bad Zoo
1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are
giving you the finger.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the
football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.
5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion
King.
6.The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the
University of Florida's Mascot.
7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and
talk to you.
8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you're suddenly
dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.
9. Not only does the Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part
Elephant suit but its always groping the customers.
10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
How
To Give A Cat A Pill
1)
Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth
and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and
swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left
arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear
paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head
firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill
down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force
mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of
water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in
cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth
open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus
jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid
cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head
vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right
eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for SPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if
they have any hamsters.
How
does a dog stop the VCR? He presses the paws button!
One day, a cat dies of natural
causes and goes to heaven, where he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord
says to the cat, "You lived a good life, and if there is any way I
can make your stay in heaven more comfortable, please let me know."
The cat thinks for a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have
lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor."
The Lord stops the cat and says, "Say no more," and a
wonderful, fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice are killed
in a tragic farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the
Lord is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer,
"All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats,
dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running, running; we're tired
of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so that we don't
have to run anymore?" The Lord says, "Say no more" and
fits each mouse with beautiful new roller skates. About a week later,
the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow.
The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, "How are things since
you got here?" The cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It
is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those
'Meals On Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
Back to table of contents
Two men are
sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building when
the first man turns to the other and says, "You know, last week I
discovered that if you jump from the top of this building,
by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building
are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the
window."
The
bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, "What are you a nut? There is no way that
could happen." "No, it's true," said the first man, let
me prove it to you." He gets up from the bar, jumps over the
balcony, and plummets to the
street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him
around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the
elevator back up to the bar. He met the second man, who looked quite
astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must
have been a one time fluke."
"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps.
Again just as he is hurling toward the street, the 10th floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window.
Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it. "Well, what
the hey," the second guy says, "it works, I'll try it!"
He jumps over the balcony plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th,
8th floors
...and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.' Back upstairs the Bartender
turns to the other drinker, saying "You know, Superman, sometimes
you can be a real jerk."
Back to table of contents
Q: What do you say to a Blonde
that won't give in? A: "Have another beer."
Back to table of contents
TWO CANNIBALS WERE EATING A CLOWN, WHEN ONE TURNS TO THE
OTHER AND SAYS: "DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU?"
Back to table of contents
If 'Windows' Was Invented By
Rednecks....
Their #1 product would be "Mikersoft Winders."
Instead of an hourglass icon, you'd get an empty beer bottle.
Occasionally, you would bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty
bag and some duct tape.
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right!," "Naw",
or "Git."
Instead of "Ta-da!" the opening sound would be dueling banjos.
The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
Instead of "Start Me Up," the Winders 95 theme song would be
"Achy-Breaky Heart."
Power Point would be called "ParPawnt."
The Winders 95 logo would incorporate the confederate flag.
Instead of "VP," Mikersoft big shots would be called "Cuz."
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver.
"Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire."
Flight Simulator would be replaced by Tractor Pull Simulator.
Mikersoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.
Internet addresses would begin with "dubya, dubya, dubya."
When your software goes down, you would no longer receive the message
"A fatal exception has occurred," but rather "You gone
and done it now!
Top
10 Ways Microsoft Would Change the Auto Business
10.
New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.
9. We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.
8. The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for
Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very
slowly.
7. The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced
by a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.
6. Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as
reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.
5. You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.
4. You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought a Car98 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats
and a new engine.
3. Occasionally, your car would die for no apparent reason and you would
have to restart it. Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.
2. Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to
buy a new car.
1. People would get excited about the new features of the latest
Microsoft
cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other
car
makers for years.
America On-Hold Upgrade
AOH's new interface, codenamed "Ebola," is currently in
development. What kind of enhancements can you expect from the new
software? Here are a few hints of the future: Multimedia Enhancements.
Pictures AND sounds! A revolution in communication. Images imbedded in
e-mail. Making it even easier for people to send you pornography you
didn't ask for. Different fonts in e-mail. Um... whatever good this
does. Different fonts and colors in chat rooms. Just when you thought
they couldn't get any uglier. Images in chat rooms. Slowing scrolling
down even more. Images in instant messages. This should prompt a
mysterious jump in the number of net users who look like Jennifer
Aniston or Gillian Anderson. Toolbar enhancements. Every Microsoft
application has "forward/backward/stop/reload" buttons, so why
can't we? Switch screen names online. Now, you can be harrassed by many
different people who are all really the same person. Secure password
transmissions. You mean we never told you before that our password
transmissions weren't secure? We'll eventually send you the new software
upgrade on a CD-ROM, but we can never be sure when it will be ready for
shipping. If you don't want to wait for the mailing, you will be able to
download the 38-meg file from our ultra-slow web server. Either way, by
the time you get it, we'll have already updated it again.
Back to table of contents
Fearless Cowboy:
A cowboy in the old West walks into a tavern and orders a drink. He
gulps it down and then walks outside, but notices that
his horse is gone. So he comes back inside and
shoots his Smith & Wesson revolver into the air and says, "My
horse is gone. I'm going to count to ten and when I'm done, well, let me
just say this: I don't want to have to do what I did in
Dallas." So about ten other cowboys run outside and when he's
done counting to ten, he goes outside and his horse is back.
He starts to ride away. When he gets about ten yards from the
tavern, a very curious stranger rides up to him and
says, "I'm just wondering, but what'd you do in
Dallas?" The cowboy turns to him and says, "Well, I had to
walk home."
Cowboy Joe was telling his
fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a
big-city church. "When I got there, they had me park my
old truck in the corral," Joe began. "You mean the
parking lot," interrupted Charlie, a more worldly
fellow. "I walked up the trail to the door," Joe continued.
"The sidewalk to the door," Charlie corrected him.
"Inside the door, I was met by this dude," Joe went on.
"That would be the usher," Charlie explained. "Well, the
usher led me down the chute," Joe said. "You
mean the aisle," Charlie said. "Then, he led
me to a stall and told me to sit
there," Joe continued. "Pew,"
Charlie retorted. "Yeah," recalled Joe. "That's
what that pretty lady said when I sat down
beside her."
Back to table of contents
THE CEO
OF A MAJOR CORPORATION CALLED ONE OF HIS MOST TRUSTED
EMPLOYEES INTO HIS OFFICE. HE SAID: "ARTY, YOU GOTTA
HELP ME OUT! MY WIFE IS GETTING ON MY NERVES AND I CAN'T TAKE IT
ANY MORE! I'LL PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO KILL HER
OFF!" BUT ARTY REFUSED AND TOLD HIS BOSS
THAT HE IS FOREVER INDEBTED TO HIM FOR ALL OF THE
THINGS THAT HE'S DONE FOR HIM THROUGHOUT THE
YEARS AND THAT HE WOULD GLADLY DO IT FOR NOTHING. BUT
HIS BOSS COUNTERED BY SAYING: "HOW ABOUT TEN THOUSAND
DOLLARS?" ARTY ONCE AGAIN REFUSED. "OK,
HOW ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?, " THE BOSS
OFFERED. BUT ARTY DECLINED AGAIN. "OKAY, AT LEAST TAKE
ONE DOLLAR, ARTY, EVEN IF ONLY OUT OF PRINCIPLE!." ARTY ACCEPTED.
SO ARTY GOES TO HIS BOSSES MANSION, SNEAKS INTO THE BEDROOM AND
CHOKES THE BOSSES WIFE TO DEATH. BUT SHE SCREAMED DURING THE
GRUESOME ACT, WHICH ALERTED BOTH THE MAID AND THE BUTLER. THE
BUTLER COMES RUNNING UPSTAIRS, SO ARTY CHOKED HIM TO DEATH.
THEN THE MAID BURSTS IN, SO ARTY CHOKED HER TO DEATH. ARTY RAN
OUTSIDE, ONLY TO DISCOVER THE POLICE WAITING FOR HIM. THE
NEXT DAY, HOW DO YOU THINK THE HEADLINES READ?
"ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR"
A defendant was asked if he
wanted a bench trial or a jury trial. "Jury trial," he
replied. "Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.
"Sure," replied the defendant,"That's where twelve
ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE FBI
IS KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR? THEY'RE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR WITH A BATTERING
RAM.
A woman appealed to the
Governor about getting her husband out of the penitentiary. "What
is he in for?" asked the Governor. "For stealing a ham,"
she replied. "That doesn't sound too bad. Is he a good
worker?" "No, I wouldn't say that. He's pretty lazy."
"Oh... well, he's good to you and the children, isn't he?"
"No, he's not. Truth be told, he's pretty mean to us."
"Why would you want a man like that out of prison?" the
governor asked in disbelief. "Well, Governor, we've been out of ham
for quite a spell now."
The Life of
Riley.
A man sentenced to prison
was put in a cell with an older convict who had been there for many
years. One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man
said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I
used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat,
four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best
restaurants of France." "What happened?" his new cellmate
asked. "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing."
Back to table of contents
A
VICTIM OF A CAR CRASH GETS WHEELED INTO THE
EMERGENCY ROOM. HIS LEG APPEARS TO BE SOMEWHAT TWISTED
AND BLOODY. THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO CUT HIS
PANT LEG TO VIEW THE INJURIES. THE ACCIDENT VICTIM TELLS HIM TO
GO AHEAD. SO THE DOCTOR CUTS THE PATIENT'S PANT LEG
AND THE PATIENT NOTICES THE DOCTOR, AS WELL AS THE
SURROUNDING NURSES, GASPING IN HORROR. SO THE PATIENT ASKS
"HOW DOES IT LOOK DOC?" AND THE DOCTOR REPLIES "NOT TOO
GOOD, WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CHANGED YOUR UNDERWEAR?"
A married couple went to
the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival,
the doctor said that he had invented a new machine
that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to
the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were
both very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain transfer dial to
10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was
probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked
the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The
doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor
checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was
doing. At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The
husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously
helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged
the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife
delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic. Then, when they got home, the mailman was dead on their
porch.
YOU KNOW
YOU'RE A NURSE WHEN:
You know you are a nurse
when discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly
normal. You know you are a nurse when you compliment a complete stranger
on his veins. You know you are a nurse when you find yourself betting on
someone's alcohol level. You know you are a nurse when you know that K-Y
jelly is optional.
A middle-aged woman seemed
sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.
"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for
years! There's nothing you can't tell me." "This one's
kind of strange..." "Let me be the judge of that," the
doctor replied. "Well," she said, "yesterday I went
to the bathroom in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet;
when I looked down, the water was full of pennies." "I
see." "That afternoon I went again and there were nickels in
the bowl." "Uh-huh." "That night," she went on,
"there were dimes and this morning
there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's wrong with
me!" she
implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"
The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there,
it's nothing to be scared about." "You're simply going through
the change."
A young man, named Ronald,
comes into the doctor's office and says, "Doc, is it hereditary to
lose your memory?" "No," the doctor replies,
"Why?" "Well," the man says, "both of my
parents are losing their memories. For example, one day my mother wanted
some Ice Cream, so she started to go out to get some. But my father,
whose name I'm not going to tell you, stopped her, telling her that he
would get it for her. 'Alright,' she said, 'I'll write it down'. 'No',
he says, 'just tell me, I won't forget'. 'Okay', she says, 'I want some
vanilla ice cream in a cone'. 'Okay', he says, "I'll be back in 30
minutes." The father leaves, comes back half an hour later, and
gives his wife, whose name is Dorothy, a bag. "What!" she
screams in horror, with a big toothy snarl. "This is a
cheeseburger, you idiot! I wanted a hamburger!"
Back to table of contents
A woman drove a mini-van
filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking
for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.
"Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate
man. She rolled down her window and said, "What makes you think
these are all mine?"
Junior had just received his
brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to
the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad
immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted
driver. "I'll bet
you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of
sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said
the beaming boy to his ol' man. "Nope,"
came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your
seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen
years."When I went to get my
driver's license renewed, our local motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The
line inched along for almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally
got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to
the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking
pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture
closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how
you're going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
Back to table of contents
A man is driving down
a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the
middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over
to the side of the road and notices that the farmer
is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets
out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and
asks him, "Ah, excuse me Mister, but what are you
doing?" The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a
Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out
standing in their field!"
A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd
and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd,
"I will bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you
the exact number in this flock." The shepherd thinks it over. It's
a big flock, so he takes the bet. "973," says the man. The
shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says
"OK, I'm a man of my word, take an animal." The man picks one
up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd,
"let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can
guess your exact occupation." The man agrees. "You are an
accountant for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man. "You are exactly right! But
tell me: how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the
shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you."
10 Ways You
Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1) Your cow insists on
wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne. 2) She refuses to
let you milk her, saying, "Not on a first date." 3) Your cow
takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears. 4) She gets silicone
implants for her udders. 5) She appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse
trapped in a cow's body. 6) Your cow demands to be branded with the
Golden Arches. 7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. 8) Your
cow thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson. 9) You catch your cow
hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. 10) Your cow quits the
family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger King.
Back to table of contents
What to say
to Telemarketers ......
1. If they want to
loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure
use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why
do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so
glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all
these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog
just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking
about your problems.
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their
company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is
Judy and I'm with XYZ Company..." You: Wait for a second and with a
real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have
you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one
and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most
fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends
Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any
friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can
you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
This guy is at the airport
waiting for his flight which leaves at 6:00 but he has forgotten his
watch, so he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots this guy
walking past carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech
watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies, "Sure, which
country?" Our fella asks, "How many countries have you
got?" to which the reply is, "All the countries in the
world!" "Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got
there." "That's nothing. This watch also has a GPS facility,
fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display
them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!" "Boy,
that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one...You wouldn't
consider selling it by any chance?" "Well, actually the
novelty has worn off by now, so for $900, if you want it, it's
yours!" Our watchless traveller can hardly whip out his check book
fast enough, and hands over a check for $900. The seller takes off the
watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is your new
hi-tech watch!" He then hands over the two suitcases as well, and
says, "And here are the batteries!"
If
a policeman arrested a mime, does he have to tell him to remain silent?
A guy jumps out of an airplane
with a parachute on his back. As he's falling he realizes his chute is
broken, now he doesn't know anything about parachutes really, but as the
earth rapidly approaches he realizes his options are limited, he takes
off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind
is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet
another guy goes shooting Up past him. In desperation, our man with the
chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about
parachutes?!?!?" The guy flying up looks down and yells, "NO,
do you know anything about Coleman gas stoves?!?"
An
Italian, a Mexican, and an American were all standing on a bridge. They
decided to through off something that their country has too much of. The
Italian threw off pasta, the Mexican threw off rice, and the American
threw off the Mexican.
A farmer walked into an
attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked
"May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one
of those dayvorce's.
The
attorney said, "well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said,
"Yea, I got about 140 acres". The attorney said, "No, you
don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I
don't have a Case, but I got a John Deere."
The
attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a
grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I
paark my John Deere." The attorney said:"No sir, I mean do you
have a suit"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit, I wear to the church on
Sundays."
The
exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or
anything?"
The
farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally the attorney
says, "Okay, let me put it this way. "WHY DO YOU WANT A
DIVORCE?"
And
the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation
with her."
There was this magician of some repute who was hired to do his act
aboard a cruise ship. He had been there for several years, and since the
crowd was in continual change, he did the same act over and over. He
enjoyed the good life in this sense, spending most his time out on the
Promenade Deck working on his tan, not new tricks. One day the
Captain bought a parrot, and over the months brought the parrot with him
to see the nightly magic show. Being a smart parrot, the bird
learned all the tricks as to where the cards, flower, etc. were hidden
by the magician in his act. The bird would
say, "The card is up his left sleeve, the flower is under the pot,
he hid the money under his shoe..." Because the parrot would only
take about a week to catch on to his magic tricks, the magician was
forced to continually learn new ones, which was getting harder and
harder by the day, and really cramping his "sun time." To put
it mildly he hated the darn parrot, but since it was the Captain's he
couldn't just weigh the bird down and drown it.
Late one night the
engine room exploded and the ship sank within minutes.
Miraculously, the magician found himself clinging to a timber, floating
in the water surrounded by darkness. Alas, he was the only one left
alive! As the sun came up the next morning and he turned around
what should be sitting 20 feet away on the opposite end of the log--his
arch nemesis, the parrot!
They glared at each other and said nothing. This went on for three days
and neither said a word, just glared. On the fourth day the parrot
finally broke the silence and said, "Okay! I give up. What did you
do with the ship?"
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day.
Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the
morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the
afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the
clearing is a large pile of animal bones. Seeing the bones, the doctor
turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that
my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and
says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over
to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a
replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The
doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just built a human skeleton
from animal bones. The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed.
"That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls
his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!"
The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a
perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag
waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog
is, in fact, smarter than his own. The lawyer, however, is still not
impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He
then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply,
"Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the
tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of
the afternoon off.
A
new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send
him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and
the owner read the card, "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry
and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the
obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir,
I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you
should imagine this...somewhere there is a funeral taking place today,
and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new
location.'"
DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE MIDGET
FORTUNE TELLER THAT ESCAPED FROM JAIL? THE NEXT DAY THE HEADLINES
READ "SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE."
THERE WAS AN ACTOR THAT WAS
GREAT EVERY TIME HE REHEARSED ALONE IN FRONT OF A
MIRROR. EVEN AT AUDITIONS AND REHEARSALS, HE WAS GREAT. BUT
WHENEVER HE WAS IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, HE WOULD FORGET HIS LINES AND
TRIP WHILE WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE. IT'S A SHAME, BUT SOME
PEOPLE JUST DON'T ACT RIGHT IN PUBLIC.
WHAT DO YOU CALL A
FASHION MODEL WITH HALF A BRAIN? GIFTED.
A MAN WAS READING THE
NEWSPAPER AND NOTICED AN AD THAT ANNOUNCED A NEW PORSCHE ON SALE FOR
ONLY $500. THINKING THAT IT WAS EITHER A MISPRINT OR A JOKE, HE
DECIDED TO CHECK IT OUT, IF ONLY TO SATISFY HIS CURIOSITY. SO HE
WENT TO THE HOUSE OF THE LADY SELLING IT. SHE LED HIM TO THE
GARAGE AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE WAS A BRAND NEW PORSCHE SITTING IN THE
GARAGE. "WOW," SAID THE MAN, "CAN I TAKE IT FOR A TEST
DRIVE?" "SURE," ANSWERED THE LADY. SO THE MAN DROVE
THE CAR AROUND THE BLOCK AND WAS AMAZED TO FIND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING
AT ALL WRONG WITH THE CAR. SO WHEN HE GOT BACK TO THE LADY'S HOUSE
HE ASKED HER, WHY ARE YOU SELLING THIS GREAT PORSCHE FOR ONLY
$500?" THE LADY LAUGHED AND THEN REPLIED, "MY HUSBAND
JUST RAN OFF WITH HIS SECRETARY AND HE TOLD ME, "YOU CAN HAVE THE
HOUSE AND THE FURNITURE, JUST SELL MY PORSCHE AND SEND ME THE
MONEY."
Two guys are out hunting
deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No,"
the second guy says. "Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead,"
the first guy says. "Oh," says the second guy. A couple of
minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?"
"See what?" the second guy asks. "Are you blind? There
was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there."
"Oh." A few minutes later the first guy says: "Did you
see that?" By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he
says, "Yes, I did!" And the first guy says: "Then why did
you step in it?"
Q: What do you say to a
glutton for punishment? A: "Read another joke."
25 Oxymorons
25. Childproof 24.
"Now, then ..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian
Scientists 21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly
misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16. Temporary tax
increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12.
Computer security 11. Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite
maybe 8. Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream 5. Rap
music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2. Religious tolerance 1.
Microsoft Works
10 of the 2000 Alternate Uses for Peanut Butter
1. Feed large globs of it to
your dog for cheap entertainment. 2. Mix it with egg whites and ammonia
to see if it takes out stains. 3. Lace it with cyanide and feed it to
Barney. 4. Spread it on the dog's back to watch him go crazy. 5. Squish
it between your fingers in the lunchroom muttering "Only two more
hours and I have so much left to study..." 6. Plug holes in your
paneling walls. 7. Make sure you have some stuck in your fingernails
whenever you go on a blind date. 8. Carry it around in your duffel in
case of emergencies. 9. Use it to stick things if you run out of duct
tape. 10. If you see a freshly poured sidewalk drying drop globs of
Peanut Butter into the cement to create "holes" later.
Disturbing product of the
month:
Armour Pork Brains with Milk Gravy
Where and when bought: Ingles supermarket, Asheville, N.C., October
1995, for 73 cents. Bonus points: That delicious milk gravy. Extra
special bonus points: Contains a mighty 1,170 percent of the U.S.
recommended daily allowance for cholesterol. Yes, that's no typo - 1,170
percent. Suggested alternative use: Switch label with a fruit cocktail
cans for a horrific lunchbox prank. Company defense: "People
love'em!" piped Nancy Dedera, spokeswoman for Phoenix-based Dial
Corp., owner of Armour. But, alas, we couldn't discover the breadth of
that love, because she refused to release sales figures. A brain-eater
herself (she likes hers with hot sauce), Dedera brushed aside concerns
about the whopping cholesterol count, saying, "If you're going to
eat brains, you're not going to worry about cholesterol." Good
point.
The Top 13 Reasons to Go to
Work Naked
- Your boss is always yelling
"I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
- Can take advantage of
computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
- Inventive way to finally
meet that hottie in Human Resources.
- "I'd love to chip in,
but I left my wallet in my pants."
- To stop those creepy guys
in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
- You want to see if it's
like the dream.
- So that -- with a little
help from Muzak -- you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your
exaggerated resume.
- Splattering grease from
deep fryer is really hard to get out of your uniform.
- People stop stealing your
pens after they've seen where you keep them.
- Diverts attention from the
fact that you also came to work stoned.
- Because setting the
nation's monetary policy and keeping Andrea Mitchell satisfied
requires a delicate balance.
- Keeps that snooty Ruth
Bader-Ginsberg on her toes.
and the Number 1 Reason to Go to Work Naked...
- Because the President
insists when Hillary's out of town.
Cartoon Laws of Physics:
Cartoon Law I
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of
its situation. Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further
pastureland. He loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he
chances to look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet
per second takes over. Cartoon Law II Any body in motion will tend to
remain in motion until solid matter intervenes suddenly. Whether shot
from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are so
absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize
boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called
this sudden termination of motion the stooge's surcease. Cartoon Law III
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation
conforming to its perimeter. Also called the silhouette of passage, this
phenomenon is the speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions
and of reckless cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit
directly through the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect
hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is
greater than or equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off
the ledge to spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it
unbroken. Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture
it inevitably unsuccessful. Cartoon Law V All principles of gravity are
negated by fear. Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a
shock to propel them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky
noise or an adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward,
usually to the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a
flagpole. The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a
speeding auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight.
Back to table of contents
There was a man called Jim,
who lived near a river. Jim was a very religious man. One day,
the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim
was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a
man in a boat comes along and tells Jim to get in the boat
with him. Jim says, "No, that's okay. God will take care of
me." The man in the boat drives off. The water rises, so Jim
climbs onto his roof. At that time, another boat comes
along and the person in that one tells Jim to get in. Jim replies,
"No, that's okay. God will take care of me." The person in the
boat then leaves. The water rises even more, and Jim climbs on his
chimney. Then a helicopter comes and lowers a ladder. The
woman in the helicopter tells Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.
Jim tells her, "That's okay." The woman says,
"Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God will
take care of me." Finally, the water rises too high and
Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God, "You told me you would take care of me! What
happened?" God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a
helicopter. What else did you want?"
A Texan died and went to heaven where St.Peter met him at the Pearly
Gates.
"Show
me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gaates and
revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees,
flowers, and all the trimmings. "We've got that in Texas. We call it
the King Ranch said Tex. St.
Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the
countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimmming, riding horses,bicycling
"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags.
Wherupon St.
Peter threw oven a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball
of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area.
The blinding light and heat were enormous. "We don't have that,"
said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."
Picture it: rural area,
Sunday morning, church is packed and the devil decides to pay
a visit.
The doors burst open, and a rolling black cloud rolls
in with the devil in its midst. People jump out
of the pews and run outdoors, screaming - all except for two. One is the
Pastor, the other is an elderly farmer.
Satan is a
bit perplexed. He points to the Pastor
and says, "You! I can understand why you
didn't run away, you are in your Lord's house, you preach against
me everyday and you aren't afraid of me. But
YOU (points to the farmer), why didn't you run out scared like
everyone else?"
The farmer crosses one leg over the other and drawls,
"Why, I'm surprised you don't recognize me...I've been married to
your sister for 36 years!"
A Texan
dies and goes to hell. While down there the Devil notices that the Texan
is not suffering like the rest. He checks the gauges and sees that it's
90 degrees and about 80% humidity. So he goes over to the Texan and asks
why he's so happy. The Texan says, "I like it here. The temperature
is just like Texas in June.
The Devil
isn't happy with the Texan's answer and decides to get him, so he goes
over and turns up the temperature to 100 degrees and the humidity to
90%. After turning everything up he goes looking for the Texan. He find
him standing around unbuttoning his shirt, just as happy as can be. The
Devil quizzes the Texan again as to why he's so happy. The Texan says,
"This is even better. It's like Texas in July."
The Devil,
now upset, decides to really make the Texan really suffer. He goes oer
to the controls and turns the heat up to 120 deegrees and the humidity
to 100%. "Now lets see what the Texan is up to," he says. So
he goes looking for the Texan. He find him taking his shirt off, even
happier than before. The Devil can't figure it out. He asks the Texan
why he's happy now. The Texan replies, "This is great, it's just
like Texas in August".
The Devil
says, "That's it, I'll get this guy." He goes over and turns
the temperature down to a freezing 25 degrees. "Let's see what the
Texan has to say about this. "The Devil looks around and finds the
Texan jumping up and down for joy yelling, "THE RANGERS HAVE
FINALLY WON THE WORLD SERIES!".
Once upon a time there was a
lawyer who lived her whole life without ever
taking advantage of any of the people she worked for. In fact, she made
sure that every job she did resulted in a win-win situation. One day
while
walking down the street she was tragically hit by a bus and she died.
Her
soul arrived in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter
himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get
settled in though it
seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had
a
lawyer make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with
you." "No problem, just let me in," said the lawyer.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to
do is let
you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose
whichever one you want to spend an eternity in." "Actually, I think I've made up my mind...I prefer to stay in
Heaven." "Sorry, we have rules..." And with that St. Peter put the
lawyer in an elevator and it went down-down-down to Hell.
When the doors
opened, the lawyer found herself
stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the
distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her
friends--fellow lawyers that she had worked with and they were all
dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed
her on both cheeks and they talked about old times.
They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country
club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met
the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had
a great time telling jokes and dancing. The lawyer was having such a
good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave. Everybody shook
her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates
and found
St. Peter waiting for her. "Now it's time to spend a day in
Heaven." So the lawyer spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had a great time and before
she knew it her 24 hours were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in Hell and you've spent a day in Heaven.
Now you must choose your eternity." The lawyer paused for a second
and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean,
Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in
Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again the lawyer went
down-down-down back to Hell. When the doors of the elevator opened she
found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and
filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the
garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his
arm around her. "I don't understand," stammered the lawyer.
"Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a country
club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all
there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her and smiled. "That's because yesterday you
were a recruit, but today you're an associate."
I.R.S.
WHAT'S THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OVERZEALOUS TAX INVESTIGATOR AND
A ROTTWEILER?A ROTTWEILER EVENTUALLY LETS GO.
WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TAXIDERMIST AND A TAX COLLECTOR?
THE
TAXIDERMIST ONLY TAKES THE SKIN.
Back to table of contents
A nursery school teacher was
delivering a station wagon full of kids to their homes when a fire truck
zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a
Dalmatian. The children fell to discussing the dog's duties."They
use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.
"No," said another, "the dog's for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
hydrants!"
A little boy
is leaving school at the end of the day. As
he strolls along the sidewalk, a car pulls up to the
curb, and a man winds down the window. "Hey, kid, I've
got candy in my car. Hop in and I'll give it to you," he says.
"No. I'm not going to." The boy walks on.
Further down the road, the car pulls over again. "
Hey there kid, if you get in my car, I'll give you all this
candy, and a big bottle of cola. How about
it?" "No way! Now leave me alone!" The boy
walks on, quickening his pace. The car again pulls over beside him.
"Look, kid, I've got a puppy at home you'd love to see. Get in and
I'll take you there. You can have all the candy and the cola on the
way. What do you say to that?" The boy is getting
agitated. He stops walking, and leans down to the car window.
"Look, I don't care what you promise me, Dad. I'm NOT riding in
your Yugo!"
A
new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She
started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid,
standup!" After a few seconds, one of her students stood up. The
teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid?" "No, ma'am,
but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
Early one morning, a mother
went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to
school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give
me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate
me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh, that's no
reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give
me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one,
you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Son: Mommy, Mommy! My head hurts! Mother: Shut up and get
away from the dart board!
Back to table of contents
Lawyer
You're trapped in a room with a
tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What
should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
WHY DON'T SHARKS ATTACK
LAWYERS? PROFESSIONAL COURTEOUSY.
A butcher was
minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and stole a cut of meat off
his counter. The butcher recognized the dog as belonging to his neighbor
who was a lawyer. He called up his neighbor and said, "Your dog
stole meat from my store. I believe you owe me for the meat." The
lawyer said "You are correct. How much was the meat?" The
butcher told him that it cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that the butcher
should receive a check for that amount in the mail the next day. The
next day, the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached
for $150 "for legal consultation."
A housewife, an accountant
and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" The housewife
replies, "Four!" The accountant says, "I think it's
either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more
time." The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a
hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A local United Way office
realized that the organization had never received a donation from the
town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions
called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that
out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to
charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some
way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied,
"First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a
long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual
income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ...
no." " -- or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and
confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to
stammer out an apology, but was interrupted. " -- or that my
sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice
rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three
children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said
simply, "I had no idea ... " On a roll, the lawyer cut him off
once again: " -- so if I don't give any money to them, why should I
give any to you?"
The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he
heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be
100." That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately
he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to
make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless
shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was
hit by a bus and killed. Coming face to face with God, the attorney
protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead,
the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am.
Why?" "I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
Three lawyers and three
MBA's are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three
lawyers buy tickets and watch as the three MBA's buy only a single
ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one
ticket?" asks a lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers
an MBA. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective
seats but all three MBA's cram into a restroom and close the door behind
them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The
lawyer saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the lawyers decide to copy the MBA's on the return trip and
save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket
for the return trip. To their astonishment, the MBA's don't buy a ticket
at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says
one perplexed lawyer. "Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the
three MBA's cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the MBA's leaves his restroom and walks over to the
restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."
Back to table of contents
IF MEN
PLANNED WEDDINGS:
There would be a
"Rehearsal Dinner Kegger" until the cops showed up.
Bridesmaids would wear matching blue jean cutoffs and halter tops. They
would have NO tan lines and more skin showing than not. Tuxes would have
team logos on the back and the Nike shoes would have matching team
colours. June weddings would be scheduled around basketball play-offs.
Vows would mention cooking and sex specifically, but omit that
"forsaking all others" part. The couple would leave the
ceremony in a souped up '73 Charger or some other Mopar with racing
tires and flame designs on the side of the car. Better yet, a Harley!
Idiots who tried to dance with the bride (unless they were really old)
would get punched in the head. Outdoor weddings would be held during
sporting events at half-time or between innings. Ceremonies would be
short and honeymoons would be long. Ceremonies and honeymoons would be
inexpensive compared to the cost of the bachelor party. The cost of
strippers and booze really does add up. Instead of a sit down dinner or
a buffet, there would be a hog roast or buckets of chicken, pizza and
plenty of barbecue. No one would bother with that "Veil
Routine". But they would insist that the garter be as high up on
her leg as it could go.
Male Jokes
What is the thinnest book in
the world? "What men know about women." How does a man take a
bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. What's the difference between men
and government bonds? Bonds mature. What do men and beer have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up. How many men does it take to change
a roll of toilet paper? Who knows? - did it ever happen?? What is a
man's idea of doing housework? Lifting his leg so you can vacuum. What
is the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
WHY
NAGGING A MAN DOESN'T WORK.
What
a Woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,you & I need to clean up. Your
stuff is lying on the floor & if we don't do laundry right now,
you'll have no clothes to wear."
What a Man hears:
blah, blah,blah,blah,C'mon
blah, blah,blah,blah,You & I
blah,blah,blah,blah,ON the floor
bhah,blah,blah,blah, Right Now
blah,blah,blah,blah, NO CLOTHES.
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the
husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she
explained, "It's the druggist! He insulted me terribly this morning
on the phone." Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the
druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or
two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side
of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting
up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be
darned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I
had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a
speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat
tire.
"When I finally
got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the
time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll
of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they
spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up
the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my
head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a
showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the
floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I
finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know
how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
A woman goes into the sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod and reel
for her husbands birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just
grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a clerk standing there
with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me
anything about this rod and reel?"
He
says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can
tell you everything you need to know about it from how it feels and the
sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the
counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6 1/2 foot graphite rod with a
Penn 320 reel and 20 lb. test line...It's a good all around rod and reel
and it's $30.00".
She
says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of
it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take
it." He
walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman
farts. At first she gets a little red in the face, but looks around and it
appears no one heard her and there is no way the clerk could tell she did
it with him being blind.
He rings up the sale and
says, "That will be $35.50." She says: "But didn't
you say it was $30.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and
reel is $30.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is
$2.50."
The New Visitor Remember how
easy it is for misunderstandings to occur when you're newlyweds?
Consider the young wife who greets her husband with a hug and a
lingering kiss when he returns from work one day. "I have great
news for you, darling. Pretty soon we're going to be three in this house
instead of just two." The husband is delighted, radiant with
happiness. "Oh darling," he says, "I'm the happiest man
in the world." "I'm glad that you feel that way," his
bride says, "because tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with
us."
Back to table of contents
A soldier, a sailor and an
airman were sitting together having a beer and they begin to discuss the
greatest technological inventions of the modern world. "It is the
laser," said the soldier, an man of obviously superior intellect.
"The laser, because with it, you can determine the precise range to
an enemy target, you can use it to gather important telemetry
information and you can even use it for photography that is almost
tri-dimensional." "No," interjected the sailor, also an
intelligent person, but obviously standing in the shadow of the
soldier's phenomenal mind. "It is radar. With radar you can track
incoming aircraft and missiles, you can determine the speed of the
particular vehicles that are approaching your ship and, if you use it
right, you can even heat your lunch." "I disagree," said
the airman, a man of, well he's an airman and all airmen are borne out
of a diminishing gene pool. "The greatest invention is the
thermos." "The thermos?!!?" exclaimed the other two.
"Yup, a thermos," he said. "I mean, jus' think about it.
If you want something hot you put hot stuff in it. If you want cold, you
put cold stuff in it." "Yeah, so?" quizzed the other two.
"Well," said the airman, "how does it know?"
Four strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European
train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very
wealthy and sophisticated 70-year-old lady who was decked out in the
finest of furs and jewelry. Next to her sat a beautiful young woman,
nineteen years old--who looked like something right off the cover of a
fashion magazine. Across from the older lady was a very mature looking
man in his mid-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in
the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out
of boot camp.
As these four strangers
traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they
entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and
total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence;
following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout
the cabin.
In the ensuing period
of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts. The
older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this
permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little
self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman,
shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the
world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like
that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major,
rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that
a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark. And
the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy
and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand
and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it!"
A Navy man walks into a bar.
Sitting himself down, he tells the bartender, "Quick, pour me a
drink, before the trouble starts." The bartender pours a drink and
watches as the man quickly downs it. Putting the glass on the bar, the
sailor says, "Give me another drink before the trouble
starts." The bartender pours another glass and the sailor drinks it
as quickly as he had the first, before asking for another, again adding,
"before the trouble starts." After several rounds of this the
bartender says, "Look sailor, you've been in here ten minutes and
you keep talking about trouble starting. Just when is this 'trouble'
going to start?" The sailor looks at the bartender and says,
"The trouble starts just as soon as you find out that I ain't got
any money."
Back to table of contents
WHAT DOES GINGER BAKER HAVE
IN COMMON WITH A 7-11 COFFEE? THEY BOTH SUCK WITHOUT CREAM.
HOW MANY DRUMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT
BULB?
100. 1 TO HOLD THE LIGHT BULB AND 99 TO DRINK UNTIL THE ROOM
SPINS.
WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRUMMER AND A VACUUM CLEANER? YOU
HAVE TO PLUG ONE OF THEM IN BEFORE IT SUCKS.
HOW
DO YOU GET A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN OFF YOUR PORCH? PAY FOR THE
PIZZA.
WHAT'S
A MUSICIANS CONCEPT OF THE "PERFECT WOMAN"? A WOMAN WITH
A JOB.
HOW
MANY DRUMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? NONE, THEY
HAVE MACHINES THAT DO THAT NOW.
WHAT
DID THE DRUMMER GET ON HIS I.Q. TEST? DROOL.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN A DRUMMER AND DR. SCHOLL'S FOOT PADS? DR SCHOLL'S FOOT
PADS BUCK UP THE FEET.
Q: What do you say to
the rock star in the three piece suit? A: "Will the defendant
please rise."
What do you get when you
throw an accordion off the Empire State Building? Applause.
I recently had surgery on my
hand, and asked the doctor if, after surgery, I would be able to play
the banjo. He said, "I'm doing surgery on your hand, not giving you
a lobotomy."
Back to table of contents
Mom's
Dictionary:
AIRPLANE: What Mom
impersonates to get a 1-year-old to eat strained beets. APPLE:
Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade for cupcakes.
BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mom's youngest child, even if he's
42. BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except
Mom to be self-cleaning. BECAUSE: Mom's reason for having kids do things
which can't be explained logically. BED & BREAKFAST: Two things the
kids will never make for themselves. CAR POOL: Complicated system of
transportation where Mom always winds up going the furthest with the
biggest bunch of kids who have had the most sugar. COUCH POTATO: What
Mom finds under the sofa cushions after the kids eat dinner. DATE:
Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids
in a different setting. DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open
in the fridge. DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR." EAR: A place
where kids store dirt. ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an
oversupply of until asked to do something. EYE: The highly susceptible
optic nerve which, according to Mom, can be "put out" by
anything from a suction-arrow to a carelessly handled butter knife.
FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question,
"What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM" GENIUSES:
Amazingly, all of Mom's kids. HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid,
usually surrounded By, but not containing, dirty clothing. HANDI-WIPES:
Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc. HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from
changing too many diapers. ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be
found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the things
instead of putting them back in the freezer empty. JEANS: Which,
according to kids, are appropriate for just about any occasion,
including church and funerals. JUNK: Dad's stuff. KISS: Mom medicine.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered
mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs,
pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net
a profit of 15 cents. MAYBE: No. OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks
like after bath night for kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized
towels and several dozen toy boats, cars and animals. OPEN: The position
of children's mouths when they eat in front of company. OVERSTUFFED
RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
Back to table of contents
WHAT
DO YOU CALL TEN POLITICIANS IN A CIRCLE? A
DOPE RING.
It
isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."------------Dan Quayle
Sometimes,
when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store for a price check on a box
of Ramen noodles or for the cashier to get a new roll of nickels or for
a management team to change the register tape, I can't help but wonder,
"Why can't our incompetent, wasteful, inefficient government be run
like this, like a business?" Can you imagine a business, say an
airline, run by a big out-of-control government agency like the IRS or
HUD or the DOD or the FBI? Planes would never be on time, flights would
be oversold, customers would be treated like dirt and ticket prices
would be almost unaffordable. Airports would be overcrowded models of
inefficiency with long lines at the ticket counters. Half the time your
luggage wouldn't go the same destination you were. When you hear tales
of rolled back odometers, mechanics who charge $300 for fixing a
two-cent part, banks that lose deposits, cell phone companies that seem
to charge whatever they please, roofers who come three weeks after they
say they will, movers who pack the family cat and cab drivers who can't
speak English is it any surprise that people want to know, "Why
can't the government run like that, like a business?" During the
health care debate, when the big insurance companies asked, "Do you
want your health care run by an incompetent, unfeeling, government
bureaucrat who doesn't know what it's like to have a real job?"
they knew our answer would be, "No, of course not. We want our
health care run by an incompetent, unfeeling, private heath care
provider's bureaucrat, the way it is now." The other difference
between the two plans was that the government's plan was cheaper. And
that, as any simpleton knows, is no way to run a business. When my
friends and family get together, sooner or later the conversation always
turns to how smart and clever our non-government, private sector bosses
are. Just think how many times you've said to yourself, "How lucky
this country would be if only my boss worked for the government. Then
it'd be run like a business."
TOP TEN REASONS
WHY WE NEED CAMPAIGN FINANCE REFORM:
10) State officials are
"everywhere you want them to be" with Visa and Mastercard, but
they STILL won't take American Express! 9) Cost of bribes increasing
faster than the rate of inflation. 8) Lincoln bedroom gets all the
visitors even though Triple A (AAA) gives it only 3 stars. 7) Justice
department considering "breaking up" political parties after
it successfully tackles Microsoft. 6) Parents insulted when a traveling
Hillary asked elementary school kids to donate their lunch money
"for the good of their country." 5) More sexy than budget
reform, and less likely to piss off formidable geezers in AARP than
Medicare reform. 4) Fewer annoying political ads on TV, 'nuff said. 3)
It would be fun watching Al Gore preside over a fundraising bake sale.
2) We could get back to discussing more interesting scandals with
correspondingly eye-catching titles, like "SexGate," "NannyNannyGate,"
and, for technodweebs, "BillGates." 1) Advertised special:
"Buy one congressman, get another for half price!"
Top 10 Reasons to Elect Fidel
Castro President of the U.S.
10. With any luck, the shock
might make Rush go mute. 9. He had nothing whatsoever to do with the
S&L Crisis, the Iran-Contra Scandal or EuroDisney. 8. Forty-three
percent of Perot voters thinks he looks like Santa Claus. 7. After the
release of "Look Who's Talking Too," he offered political
asylum to John Travolta. 6. Drab green fatigues guarantee the vital
"Generation X" vote. 5. Secret polls say he does better in New
Hampshire than Pete Wilson. 4. To help defeat obscure Item 12b. on the
Contract for America: "Free pony rides for the rich." 3. So
Newt Gingrich won't be lying when he says there are socialists in the
White House. 2. Willing to arm-wrestle Colin Powell: winner- take-all
for the free world. And the number one reason to help draft Fidel for
president: 1. Cigars for everyone!
Dear
Sir: My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received a check for
$1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year. What I want to
know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise
hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be
sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all government
policies. I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a
good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires
or Durocs. As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping
an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend,
Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He has been
raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he ever made on them
was $422.00 in 1968, until this year, when he got your check for
$1000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50
hogs, will I get $2,000. for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on
a small scale at first, holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can
afford an airplane. Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise,
will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay farmers
not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising
corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to raise? Also,
I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information you have on that also. In view of these circumstances,
you understand that I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for
unemployment and food stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the
coming election. Patriotically yours: xxxxxxxxx P.S. Would you please
notify me when you plan to distribute more free cheese??
The
Policeman and the Fire Chief Police officer Michael Fenwick was
scheduled for all-night duty at the 8th District station. He was
relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule,
at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his wife Camille, he undressed in the
dark, creeped into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Camille
sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the
all-night drug store next block and get me some extra strength Tylenol?
I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he
said, and feeling his way across the room, he crawled back into his
uniform and ran out of the house to the drug store. As he arrived,the
pharmicist looked up in surprise. "Say," said the druggist,
"aren't you officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I
am," said Fenwick. "Well, then, what in the world are you
doing in the fire chief's uniform?"
A police officer in a small
town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But
officer," the man said, "I can explain." "Just be
quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm going to let you
cool off in jail until the chief gets back." "But officer, I
just wanted to say..." "And I said KEEP QUIET! Now you're
going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer checked up on his
prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his
daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," said the man in the cell. "I'm the
groom!"
Back to table of contents
Redneck
WHAT DOES A TORNADO AND A REDNECK DIVORCE HAVE IN COMMON?
SOMEONE'S FIXIN' TO LOSE A TRAILER.
WHAT'S THE
LAST THING YOU HEAR BEFORE A REDNECK DIES?
"HEY Y'ALL, WATCH THIS!"
WHY DO FLIES
HAVE WINGS? SO THEY CAN BEAT THE HILLBILLIES TO THE WATERMELON.
WHAT'S
THE MOST COMMONLY USED PICKUP LINE IN AN ARKANSAS BAR? HEY
BABY, NICE TOOTH.
Technology
for country folk...
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove
hotter.
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
3. MONITOR: Keepin an eye on the
wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood off
the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful
gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from
tryin to carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits
the farwood.
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the
winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in
the winter time.
10. WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold
outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut to shut wen it's blak fly
season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP: Whut's in the botton of
the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and
knifs.
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the
barn.
21. MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander wine.
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon
in y'all".
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't
'member whut ya paid fer the rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk fer the
rat hole.
A
LETTER FROM MOM
DEAR SON,
I'M WRITING THIS SLOW 'CAUSE I KNOW YOU CAN'T READ TOO FAST. WE
DON'T LIVE WHERE WE DID WHEN YOU FIRST LEFT. DAD READ IN THE
PAPERS THAT MOST ACCIDENTS HAPPEN WITHIN 20 MILES OF HOME, SO WE MOVED.
I WON'T BE ABLE TO SEND YOU THE ADDRESS BECAUSE THE LAST FAMILY WHO
LIVED HERE TOOK THE NUMBERS WITH THEM SO THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE
THEIR ADDRESS. THIS PLACE HAS A WASHING MACHINE. THE FIRST DAY I
PUT FOUR SHIRTS IN, PULLED THE CHAIN, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE.
IT ONLY RAINED TWICE THIS WEEK, THREE DAYS THE FIRST TIME AND FOUR DAYS
THIS TIME. THE COAT YOU WANTED ME TO SEND TO YOU, YOUR AUNT ETHEL
SAID IT WOULD BE TOO HEAVY TO SEND IN THE MAIL WITH THE HEAVY BUTTONS IT
HAD ON IT. SO I CUT THEM OFF AND PUT THEM IN THE POCKETS.
ABOUT YOUR SISTER, SHE HAD A BABY THIS MORNING. I HAVEN'T FOUND
OUT WHETHER IT'S A BOY OR A GIRL, SO I DON'T KNOW IF YOU ARE AN AUNT OR
AN UNCLE. WELL, I GOTTA GO.
LOVE MOM
P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY BUT THE ENVELOPE WAS
ALREADY SEALED.
Back to table of contents
Three
friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small
florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers
from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of
the business. They ignored her too. So the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town, to
"persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed
their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified,
they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent
florist friars.
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could
get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an
obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was
shining, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The
preacher was in a quandary as to what to do ... play golf or give the
Sunday service. Shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called
an assistant, told him he was sick and asked the assistant to take care
of the Sunday church service for him. He packed the car up and drove
three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily,
he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher
and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, ''Look at the
preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.'' God nodded in
agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball
and hit a perfect drive, straight as an arrow, four-hundred yards right
to the green, where it gently rolled into the cup (as they say in
basketball, ''nothing but net''). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was
amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and
said, ''Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish
him.'' God smiled. ''I did. Think about it - who can he tell?''
Back to table of contents
THE
QUEEN OF ENGLAND WAS SHOWING THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY AROUND THE
ROYAL STABLES, WHEN ONE OF THE STALLIONS BROKE WIND SO LOUDLY THAT
IT COULDN'T BE IGNORED. "OH DEAR," SAID THE QUEEN,
"HOW EMBARRASSING. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT
THAT. " " IT'S QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE,
" SAID THE ARCHBISHOP. "AS A MATTER OF
FACT I THOUGHT IT WAS THE HORSE," HE ADDED.
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth are
standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt
below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth,
"I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the
crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand."
The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that."
The Queen says, "Watch this".
So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes
crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering,
basically going ballistic.
So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to
do? I never thought she'd be able to do it."
So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says,
"I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not
just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my
head."
The Queen replies, "No way, it can't be done."
So the Pope head-butts her.
Back to table of contents
A man was walking home
alone, late one night, when he hears a
Bump
Bump
Bump
Bump...........behind him walking faster he looks back, and makes out
the image of an upright coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street towards him....
bump, bump, bump
Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing
faster, faster, faster, faster
Bump, bump, bump
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes
in, slams and locks the door behind him
However, the coffin crashes through his door with the lid of the coffin
clapping
clappity.....bump............clappity-bump...............clappity
bump...........
on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom the man locks himself in. His heart is
pounding, his head is reeling, his breath is coming in sobbing gasps
With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door...........bumping and
clapping towards him
the man screams and reaches for something, anything ......... but all he
can find is a bottle of
cough syrup
Desperate.............he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.
The coffin stops........................
Back to table of contents
Three scientists were one
day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an
elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But
because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard
to comprehend
they decided to have a go. A week
after the experiment had started they began
to realize WHY the idea had never
been tried, they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.
One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of
training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week
training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back
in for another go. The big day arrived, they set up all the monitoring
equipment and set out to a safe distance.
The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and
the 3rd went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist
pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!
The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his
ankles in elephant crap, the second (2 miles away) was up to
his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist.
When the others joined the scientist who
was 1 mile away, they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.
"What the %$*& is so funny?" asked one of the
scientist. "You should have seen the monkey's
face, trying to get the cork back in!!!"
Back to table of contents
Employees
Lingo
I'M
EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I've used Microsoft
Office.
I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE: I pilfer office supplies.
MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES: I hope you don't ask me about all
the McJobs I've had.
I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK: I blame others for my mistakes.
I'M PERSONABLE: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL: I carry a Day-Timer.
I AM ADAPTABLE: I've changed jobs a lot.
I AM ON THE GO: I'm never at my desk.
I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED: The minute I find a better job, I'm outta
there.
Employer’s
Lingo
COMPETITIVE
SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM: We have no time to train you.
CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress
up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your
first day.
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.
DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.
CAREER-MINDED: Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position
has been filled.
NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just
a legal formality.
SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to
replace three people who just left.
PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST: You're walking into a company in perpetual
chaos.
REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS: You'll have the responsibilities of a
manager, without the pay or respect.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS: Management communicates, you listen, figure out
what they want and do it.
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