TWO CANNIBALS WERE EATING A CLOWN, WHEN ONE TURNS TO THE
OTHER AND SAYS: "DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU?"
A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has
gone all out -
caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before
the party starts, two bums
show up looking for a handout.
Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can
get a meal if they will chop some wood out back.
Gratefully,
they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is
going well, with the children having a wonderful
time. But,
the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to
report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make
the party at
all.
The woman is very disappointed and
unsuccessfully tries to entertain the
children herself. She
happens to look out the window and sees one of the
bums
doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he
swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in
the air.
She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your
friend is doing is
absolutely marvelous. I have never seen
such a thing. Do you think your
friend would consider
repeating this performance for the children at the
party? I
would pay him $50!"
Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me
ask him." He then turned to Willie and yelled, "Hey Willie! For
$50, would you chop off another toe?"
SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN
* By the end of the
party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick.
* Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device.
* Keeps
screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!"
* References to
Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
*
Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your
wide-screen TV.
* Scares the holy hell outta the kids during
the "Severed Limb" trick.
* Tells the kids he killed Barney
in a blood match in Newark.
* Didn't bring any balloons, but
manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
*
Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in
the joint."
* Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you
were expecting.
* Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since
March!"
* More interested in squirting seltzer into his
Scotch than into his pants.
* Those huge ears look too darn
life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and
complaining about the deficit.
* A sad clown is one thing --
a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is
another thing entirely.
* Only balloon animals he can make
are a snake and a "snake on acid."
* Business cards include
the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..."
* Price list
includes "lap dance" and "around the world.
* All the balloon
animals are ribbed and lubricated.
OK, why is 6 afraid of 7? why? cause 7 eight 9 lol lol lol lol
WHAT DOES GINGER BAKER HAVE IN COMMON WITH A 7-11 COFFEE? THEY
BOTH SUCK WITHOUT CREAM.
HOW MANY DRUMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB?
100. 1 TO HOLD THE LIGHT BULB AND 99 TO DRINK UNTIL THE ROOM
SPINS.
THERE WAS AN ACTOR THAT WAS GREAT EVERY TIME HE REHEARSED ALONE
IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. EVEN AT AUDITIONS AND REHEARSALS, HE WAS
GREAT. BUT WHENEVER HE WAS IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, HE WOULD
FORGET HIS LINES AND TRIP WHILE WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE. IT'S A
SHAME, BUT SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T ACT RIGHT IN PUBLIC.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OVERZEALOUS TAX INVESTIGATOR
AND
A ROTTWEILER?A ROTTWEILER EVENTUALLY LETS GO.
| Down
a Pit There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman.
Each were sentenced to 20 years down a pit, but were
allowed to take one thing with them. The Englishman
says, "I'll take a 20-year supply of whisky." The
Scotsman says, "That sounds like a good idea. I'll also
have a 20-year supply of whisky." The Irishman says,
"I'll have a 20-year supply of cigarettes." The judge
gives them what they want. Twenty years later the
Englishman stumbles out of the pit and drops dead from
alcohol poisoning; the Scotsman stubbles out and he too
drops dead from alcohol poisoning. Then the Irishman
walks out and asks, "anybody got a light?" |
 |
wife: Please fix the kitchen water tap!
husband: Am I a
plumber?
The next day the tap was fixed.
husband: Who
fixed the watertap?
wife: The neighbour.
husband: How much
did it cost?
wife: He asked me either to sleep with him or to
sing for him. . .
husband: . . . and what did you sing?
wife: Am I a singer?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRUMMER AND A VACUUM CLEANER?
YOU HAVE TO PLUG ONE OF THEM IN BEFORE IT SUCKS.
Groucho Says ...... Who are you going to believe, me or your own
eyes?
Room service? Send up a larger room.
Those are my
principles. If you don't like them I have others.
I never
forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an
exception.
Military justice is to justice what military music
is to music.
I must say that I find television very
educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the
library and read a book. If I held you any closer I would be on
the other side of you.
I don't care to belong to a club that
accepts people like me as members.
Why was I with her? She
reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you
do!
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of
a dog, it's too dark to read.
HOW DO YOU GET A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN OFF YOUR PORCH? PAY FOR
THE PIZZA.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TAXIDERMIST AND A TAX COLLECTOR?
THE TAXIDERMIST ONLY TAKES THE SKIN.
WHAT'S A MUSICIANS CONCEPT OF THE "PERFECT WOMAN"? A WOMAN WITH
A JOB.
WHAT DO YOU CALL TEN POLITICIANS IN A CIRCLE?
A DOPE RING.
Prison or Work? ...... When you think about the differences
between
work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...
IN
PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10
cell.
AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8
cubicle.
IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT
WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior.
AT
WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock
and open all the door yourself.
IN PRISON........You can
watch TV and play games.
AT WORK..........You get fired for
watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.......You get your
own toilet.
AT WORK.........You have to share.
IN
PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT
WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to
go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay
for prisoners.
IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life
looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT
WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and
go inside bars.
IN PRISON......There are wardens who are
often sadistic.
AT WORK........They are called supervisors.
IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND WAS SHOWING THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
AROUND THE ROYAL STABLES, WHEN ONE OF THE STALLIONS BROKE WIND
SO LOUDLY THAT IT COULDN'T BE IGNORED. "OH DEAR," SAID THE
QUEEN, "HOW EMBARRASSING. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. " "
IT'S QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE, " SAID THE ARCHBISHOP. "AS A MATTER
OF FACT I THOUGHT IT WAS THE HORSE," HE ADDED.
THE CEO OF A MAJOR CORPORATION CALLED ONE OF HIS MOST TRUSTED
EMPLOYEES INTO HIS OFFICE. HE SAID: "ARTY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME
OUT! MY WIFE IS GETTING ON MY NERVES AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY
MORE! I'LL PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO KILL HER OFF!" BUT ARTY
REFUSED AND TOLD HIS BOSS THAT HE IS FOREVER INDEBTED TO HIM FOR
ALL OF THE THINGS THAT HE'S DONE FOR HIM THROUGHOUT THE YEARS
AND THAT HE WOULD GLADLY DO IT FOR NOTHING. BUT HIS BOSS
COUNTERED BY SAYING: "HOW ABOUT TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?" ARTY ONCE
AGAIN REFUSED. "OK, HOW ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?, " THE
BOSS OFFERED. BUT ARTY DECLINED AGAIN. "OKAY, AT LEAST TAKE ONE
DOLLAR, ARTY, EVEN IF ONLY OUT OF PRINCIPLE!." ARTY ACCEPTED. SO
ARTY GOES TO HIS BOSSES MANSION, SNEAKS INTO THE BEDROOM AND
CHOKES THE BOSSES WIFE TO DEATH. BUT SHE SCREAMED DURING THE
GRUESOME ACT, WHICH ALERTED BOTH THE MAID AND THE BUTLER. THE
BUTLER COMES RUNNING UPSTAIRS, SO ARTY CHOKED HIM TO DEATH. THEN
THE MAID BURSTS IN, SO ARTY CHOKED HER TO DEATH. ARTY RAN
OUTSIDE, ONLY TO DISCOVER THE POLICE WAITING FOR HIM. THE NEXT
DAY, HOW DO YOU THINK THE HEADLINES READ?
"ARTY CHOKES THREE
FOR A DOLLAR"
TRULY A DIE-HARD FAN! Bob receives a free ticket to the Super
Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he gets to the
stadium, he realizes his seat's in the the last row in the
corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than
the field! A few moments later, Bob notices an empty seat 10
rows off the field on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a
chance and walks all the way down, avoiding security guards to
snatch the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the guy next to
him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says, "No."
Excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob shouts,
"This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat
like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replies,
"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come
with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl
we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find
someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No,"
the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
A guy jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As
he's falling he realizes his chute is broken, now he doesn't
know anything about parachutes really, but as the earth rapidly
approaches he realizes his options are limited, he takes off the
parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind
is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000
feet another guy goes shooting Up past him. In desperation, our
man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything
about parachutes?!?!?" The guy flying up looks down and yells,
"NO, do you know anything about Coleman gas stoves?!?"
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