JOKES PAGE 1 Clown Jokes © Craypoe Productions 2001

	TWO CANNIBALS WERE EATING A CLOWN, WHEN ONE TURNS TO THE OTHER AND SAYS: "DOES THIS TASTE FUNNY TO YOU?"
	A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter and has gone all out - caterer, band and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two bums show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some wood out back. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house. Guests arrive, and all is going well, with the children having a wonderful time. But, the clown has not shown up and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself. She happens to look out the window and sees one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips and leaps high in the air. She speaks to the other bum and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" Other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him." He then turned to Willie and yelled, "Hey Willie! For $50, would you chop off another toe?"
	SIGNS YOU'VE HIRED THE WRONG CLOWN * By the end of the party, he's got every damn kid doing the "pull my finger" trick. * Clown car must be started with breathalyzer device. * Keeps screaming, "My name's not BO-zo, it's bo-ZO!" * References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds. * Props for his "disappearing" trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV. * Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the "Severed Limb" trick. * Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark. * Didn't bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes. * Prefaces each trick with, "here's a little number I learned in the joint." * Not exactly the Peewee Herman impression you were expecting. * Wears a T-Shirt that says, "Drug-free since March!" * More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants. * Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the deficit. * A sad clown is one thing -- a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely. * Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a "snake on acid." * Business cards include the phrase "From the Mind of Stephen King..." * Price list includes "lap dance" and "around the world. * All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
	OK, why is 6 afraid of 7? why? cause 7 eight 9 lol lol lol lol
	WHAT DOES GINGER BAKER HAVE IN COMMON WITH A 7-11 COFFEE? THEY BOTH SUCK WITHOUT CREAM.
	HOW MANY DRUMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO SCREW IN A LIGHT BULB? 100. 1 TO HOLD THE LIGHT BULB AND 99 TO DRINK UNTIL THE ROOM SPINS.
	THERE WAS AN ACTOR THAT WAS GREAT EVERY TIME HE REHEARSED ALONE IN FRONT OF A MIRROR. EVEN AT AUDITIONS AND REHEARSALS, HE WAS GREAT. BUT WHENEVER HE WAS IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE, HE WOULD FORGET HIS LINES AND TRIP WHILE WALKING ACROSS THE STAGE. IT'S A SHAME, BUT SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T ACT RIGHT IN PUBLIC.
	WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN AN OVERZEALOUS TAX INVESTIGATOR AND A ROTTWEILER?A ROTTWEILER EVENTUALLY LETS GO.
	WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRUMMER AND A VACUUM CLEANER? YOU HAVE TO PLUG ONE OF THEM IN BEFORE IT SUCKS.
	wife: Please fix the kitchen water tap! husband: Am I a plumber? The next day the tap was fixed. husband: Who fixed the watertap? wife: The neighbour. husband: How much did it cost? wife: He asked me either to sleep with him or to sing for him. . . husband: . . . and what did you sing? wife: Am I a singer?
	Groucho Says ...... Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes? Room service? Send up a larger room. Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book. If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you. I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do! Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
	HOW DO YOU GET A PROFESSIONAL MUSICIAN OFF YOUR PORCH? PAY FOR THE PIZZA.
	WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TAXIDERMIST AND A TAX COLLECTOR? THE TAXIDERMIST ONLY TAKES THE SKIN.
	WHAT'S A MUSICIANS CONCEPT OF THE "PERFECT WOMAN"? A WOMAN WITH A JOB.
	WHAT DO YOU CALL TEN POLITICIANS IN A CIRCLE? A DOPE RING.
	Prison or Work? ...... When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad... IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. AT WORK.........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day. AT WORK.........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.........You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the door yourself. IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK..........You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet. AT WORK.........You have to share. IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.........You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK........They are called supervisors. IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
	Down a Pit There was an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman. Each were sentenced to 20 years down a pit, but were allowed to take one thing with them. The Englishman says, "I'll take a 20-year supply of whisky." The Scotsman says, "That sounds like a good idea. I'll also have a 20-year supply of whisky." The Irishman says, "I'll have a 20-year supply of cigarettes." The judge gives them what they want. Twenty years later the Englishman stumbles out of the pit and drops dead from alcohol poisoning; the Scotsman stubbles out and he too drops dead from alcohol poisoning. Then the Irishman walks out and asks, "anybody got a light?"
	THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND WAS SHOWING THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY AROUND THE ROYAL STABLES, WHEN ONE OF THE STALLIONS BROKE WIND SO LOUDLY THAT IT COULDN'T BE IGNORED. "OH DEAR," SAID THE QUEEN, "HOW EMBARRASSING. I'M TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT THAT. " " IT'S QUITE UNDERSTANDABLE, " SAID THE ARCHBISHOP. "AS A MATTER OF FACT I THOUGHT IT WAS THE HORSE," HE ADDED.
	THE CEO OF A MAJOR CORPORATION CALLED ONE OF HIS MOST TRUSTED EMPLOYEES INTO HIS OFFICE. HE SAID: "ARTY, YOU GOTTA HELP ME OUT! MY WIFE IS GETTING ON MY NERVES AND I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE! I'LL PAY YOU A MILLION DOLLARS TO KILL HER OFF!" BUT ARTY REFUSED AND TOLD HIS BOSS THAT HE IS FOREVER INDEBTED TO HIM FOR ALL OF THE THINGS THAT HE'S DONE FOR HIM THROUGHOUT THE YEARS AND THAT HE WOULD GLADLY DO IT FOR NOTHING. BUT HIS BOSS COUNTERED BY SAYING: "HOW ABOUT TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS?" ARTY ONCE AGAIN REFUSED. "OK, HOW ABOUT FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS?, " THE BOSS OFFERED. BUT ARTY DECLINED AGAIN. "OKAY, AT LEAST TAKE ONE DOLLAR, ARTY, EVEN IF ONLY OUT OF PRINCIPLE!." ARTY ACCEPTED. SO ARTY GOES TO HIS BOSSES MANSION, SNEAKS INTO THE BEDROOM AND CHOKES THE BOSSES WIFE TO DEATH. BUT SHE SCREAMED DURING THE GRUESOME ACT, WHICH ALERTED BOTH THE MAID AND THE BUTLER. THE BUTLER COMES RUNNING UPSTAIRS, SO ARTY CHOKED HIM TO DEATH. THEN THE MAID BURSTS IN, SO ARTY CHOKED HER TO DEATH. ARTY RAN OUTSIDE, ONLY TO DISCOVER THE POLICE WAITING FOR HIM. THE NEXT DAY, HOW DO YOU THINK THE HEADLINES READ? "ARTY CHOKES THREE FOR A DOLLAR"
	TRULY A DIE-HARD FAN! Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he gets to the stadium, he realizes his seat's in the the last row in the corner of the stadium. He is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field! A few moments later, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field on the 50-yard line. He decides to take a chance and walks all the way down, avoiding security guards to snatch the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the guy next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says, "No." Excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob shouts, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl and not use it?!" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967." "That's really sad," said Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
	A guy jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's falling he realizes his chute is broken, now he doesn't know anything about parachutes really, but as the earth rapidly approaches he realizes his options are limited, he takes off the parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000 feet another guy goes shooting Up past him. In desperation, our man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything about parachutes?!?!?" The guy flying up looks down and yells, "NO, do you know anything about Coleman gas stoves?!?"