HOW MANY DRUMMERS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB? NONE,
THEY HAVE MACHINES THAT DO THAT NOW.
WHAT DID THE DRUMMER GET ON HIS I.Q. TEST? DROOL.
Technology for country folk...
1. LOG ON: Makin a wood stove
2. LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4. DOWNLOAD: Gettin the
farwood off the truk.
5. MEGA HERTZ: When yer not kerful
gettin the farwood.
6. FLOPPY DISC: Whatcha git from tryin to
carry too much farwood.
7. RAM: That thar thing whut splits
8. HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter time.
9. PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
WINDOWS: Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN: Whut
to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE: Whut them dang
13. CHIP: Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP:
Whut's in the botton of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM: Whut cha
did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX: Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP: Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD: Whar ya
hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic forks and
20. MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT: Fancy Flatlander
23. ENTER: Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all".
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the
rifle when yore wife asks.
25. MOUSE PAD: That hippie talk
fer the rat hole.
A LETTER FROM MOM
I'M WRITING THIS SLOW 'CAUSE I
KNOW YOU CAN'T READ TOO FAST. WE DON'T LIVE WHERE WE DID WHEN
YOU FIRST LEFT. DAD READ IN THE PAPERS THAT MOST ACCIDENTS
HAPPEN WITHIN 20 MILES OF HOME, SO WE MOVED. I WON'T BE ABLE TO
SEND YOU THE ADDRESS BECAUSE THE LAST FAMILY WHO LIVED HERE TOOK
THE NUMBERS WITH THEM SO THEY WOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE THEIR
ADDRESS. THIS PLACE HAS A WASHING MACHINE. THE FIRST DAY I PUT
FOUR SHIRTS IN, PULLED THE CHAIN, AND I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE.
IT ONLY RAINED TWICE THIS WEEK, THREE DAYS THE FIRST TIME AND
FOUR DAYS THIS TIME. THE COAT YOU WANTED ME TO SEND TO YOU, YOUR
AUNT ETHEL SAID IT WOULD BE TOO HEAVY TO SEND IN THE MAIL WITH
THE HEAVY BUTTONS IT HAD ON IT. SO I CUT THEM OFF AND PUT THEM
IN THE POCKETS. ABOUT YOUR SISTER, SHE HAD A BABY THIS MORNING.
I HAVEN'T FOUND OUT WHETHER IT'S A BOY OR A GIRL, SO I DON'T
KNOW IF YOU ARE AN AUNT OR AN UNCLE. WELL, I GOTTA GO.
P.S. I WAS GOING TO SEND YOU MONEY BUT THE ENVELOPE WAS
WHAT DO YOU CALL A FASHION MODEL WITH HALF A BRAIN? GIFTED.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DRUMMER AND DR. SCHOLL'S FOOT
PADS? DR SCHOLL'S FOOT PADS BUCK UP THE FEET.
A MAN WAS READING THE NEWSPAPER AND NOTICED AN AD THAT ANNOUNCED
A NEW PORSCHE ON SALE FOR ONLY $500. THINKING THAT IT WAS
EITHER A MISPRINT OR A JOKE, HE DECIDED TO CHECK IT OUT, IF ONLY
TO SATISFY HIS CURIOSITY. SO HE WENT TO THE HOUSE OF THE LADY
SELLING IT. SHE LED HIM TO THE GARAGE AND SURE ENOUGH, THERE
WAS A BRAND NEW PORSCHE SITTING IN THE GARAGE. "WOW," SAID THE
MAN, "CAN I TAKE IT FOR A TEST DRIVE?" "SURE," ANSWERED THE
LADY. SO THE MAN DROVE THE CAR AROUND THE BLOCK AND WAS AMAZED
TO FIND THAT THERE WAS NOTHING AT ALL WRONG WITH THE CAR. SO
WHEN HE GOT BACK TO THE LADY'S HOUSE HE ASKED HER, WHY ARE YOU
SELLING THIS GREAT PORSCHE FOR ONLY $500?" THE LADY LAUGHED AND
THEN REPLIED, "MY HUSBAND JUST RAN OFF WITH HIS SECRETARY AND HE
TOLD ME, "YOU CAN HAVE THE HOUSE AND THE FURNITURE, JUST SELL MY
PORSCHE AND SEND ME THE MONEY."
HOW DO YOU KNOW IF THE FBI IS KNOCKING AT YOUR DOOR? THEY'RE
KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR WITH A BATTERING RAM.
There was a man called Jim, who lived near a river. Jim was a
very religious man. One day, the river rose over the banks and
flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch
roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat comes along and
tells Jim to get in the boat with him. Jim says, "No, that's
okay. God will take care of me." The man in the boat drives off.
The water rises, so Jim climbs onto his roof. At that time,
another boat comes along and the person in that one tells Jim
to get in. Jim replies, "No, that's okay. God will take care of
me." The person in the boat then leaves. The water rises even
more, and Jim climbs on his chimney. Then a helicopter comes
and lowers a ladder. The woman in the helicopter tells Jim to
climb up the ladder and get in. Jim tells her, "That's okay."
The woman says, "Are you sure?" Jim says, "Yeah, I'm sure God
will take care of me." Finally, the water rises too high and
Jim drowns. Jim gets up to Heaven and is face-to-face with God.
Jim says to God, "You told me you would take care of me! What
happened?" God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a
helicopter. What else did you want?"
|A man is
driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer
standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He
pulls the car over to the side of the road and
notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing
nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the
car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks
him, "Ah, excuse me Mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled. "Well I heard they give
the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby
delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said that he had
invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the
mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing
to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it. The
doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10 percent for starters,
explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor
progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go
ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the
machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still
feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure
and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they
decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued to feel
quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife
considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer
ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. Then, when
they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.
Fearless Cowboy: A cowboy in the old West walks into a
tavern and orders a drink. He gulps it down and then walks
outside, but notices that his horse is gone. So he comes
back inside and shoots his Smith & Wesson revolver into the air
and says, "My horse is gone. I'm going to count to ten and when
I'm done, well, let me just say this: I don't want to have to
do what I did in Dallas." So about ten other cowboys run
outside and when he's done counting to ten, he goes outside
and his horse is back. He starts to ride away. When he gets
about ten yards from the tavern, a very curious stranger
rides up to him and says, "I'm just wondering, but what'd you
do in Dallas?" The cowboy turns to him and says, "Well, I had
to walk home."
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS Two dumb guys were doing construction on a
house. The guy who was nailing down siding would reach into his
nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his
shoulder or nail it into the siding. The other guy saw him
tossing all the nails over his shoulder and asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?" The first guy said, "If I pull a
nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it
away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house,
then I nail it into the siding." The second guy was outraged. He
yelled, "You idiot! The nails pointed towards you aren't
defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
A butcher was minding his store one day, when a dog ran in and
stole a cut of meat off his counter. The butcher recognized the
dog as belonging to his neighbor who was a lawyer. He called up
his neighbor and said, "Your dog stole meat from my store. I
believe you owe me for the meat." The lawyer said "You are
correct. How much was the meat?" The butcher told him that it
cost $4.50, the lawyer replied that the butcher should receive a
check for that amount in the mail the next day. The next day,
the check arrived in the mail for $4.50, with a bill attached
for $150 "for legal consultation."
A city slicker moves to the country and
decides he's going to take up farming.
He heads to the local
co-op and tells the man, "Give me 100 baby chickens."
co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, "Give
me 200 baby chickens." The co-op man boxes them up and hands
them over. Another week goes
by and the man returns. This
time he says, "Give me 500 baby chickens." "Wow," the co-op man
replies, "you must really be doing well." "Naw," says the man
with a sigh. "I'm either planting them too deep or too far