One day, a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven, where
he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, "You lived
a good life, and if there is any way I can make your stay in
heaven more comfortable, please let me know." The cat thinks for
a moment and says, "Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor
family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor." The Lord stops
the cat and says, "Say no more," and a wonderful, fluffy pillow
appears. A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic
farming accident, and all of them go to heaven. Again, the Lord
is there to greet them with the same offer. The mice answer,
"All our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from
cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. Running, running,
running; we're tired of running. Do you think we could have
roller skates so that we don't have to run anymore?" The Lord
says, "Say no more" and fits each mouse with beautiful new
roller skates. About a week later, the Lord stops by to see the
cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes
the cat and asks him, "How are things since you got here?" The
cat stretches and yawns, then replies, "It is wonderful here.
Better than I could have ever expected. And those 'Meals On
Wheels' you've been sending by are the best!"
How To Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the
crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently
apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As
cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from
behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding
rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill
to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a
count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat
from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and
rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep
shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side
for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get
spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure
pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste
away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from
neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and
close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open
with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back
on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for
date of last tetanus jab. Throw t-shirt away and fetch new one
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from
tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into
fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from
13) Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy
duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by
large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2
pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while
doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new
15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect cat and ring
local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
Fat Cats: When Do You Know?
Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.
- Confused guests constantly
mistaking him for a beanbag chair.
- Always lands on her spleen.
- Fifteen month gestation
period, and still no kittens.
- No longer cleans self
unless coated in Cheese Whiz.
- Catfood dish replaced with
- Luxurious, shiny black fur
replaced with mint green polyester pantsuit.
- It's no longer safe to lift
him without a spotter.
- Waits for the third bowl of
food to get finicky.
- She only catches mice that
get trapped in her gravitational pull.
- Has more chins than lives.
How does a cat stop the VCR? He presses the paws button!
Gravity for Dummies
Two idiots walk into a pet store. The
first says, "I want four budgies."
The salesman replies,
"Certainly sir, would you like two male and two female, or all
male or all female?
The idiot shoots back, "I don't care.
I just want four budgies!"
The salesman, without losing
his cool, continues: "Very well sir, what color would you like
them to be? We have yellow, blue, gr..."
interrupts, yelling, "I don't give a darn what color they are,
just put four budgies in a box for me. Is that too hard?"
The salesman quickly grabs four birds from the budgie cages
and shoves them into a pet carrier. The second idiot pulls out
his wallet and pays for the birds, and then both idiots leave.
They drive out to a high cliff and the first idiot reaches
in the box and pulls out two of the birds, grasps them firmly
and jumps off the cliff while flapping his arms. He plummets
like a rock and hits the bottom of the cliff with a loud SPLAT.
The second idiot looks down at his friend's mangled remains
and says, "Dang, this budgie jumping isn't all it's cracked up
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
kids to their homes when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in
the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian. The children
fell to discussing the dog's duties."They use him to keep crowds
back," said one youngster. "No," said another, "the dog's for
A third child brought the argument to a close.
"They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire
Dog Day Afternoon
A man follows a woman out of a movie
theater one afternoon. She has a dog on a leash. He stops her
and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but
notice that your dog was really into that movie. He cried at the
right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts,
but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did
you find that unusual?"
"Yes," she replied, "I found it very
unusual. He hated the book!"
Sometimes, when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store for a
price check on a box of Ramen noodles or for the cashier to get
a new roll of nickels or for a management team to change the
register tape, I can't help but wonder, "Why can't our
incompetent, wasteful, inefficient government be run like this,
like a business?" Can you imagine a business, say an airline,
run by a big out-of-control government agency like the IRS or
HUD or the DOD or the FBI? Planes would never be on time,
flights would be oversold, customers would be treated like dirt
and ticket prices would be almost unaffordable. Airports would
be overcrowded models of inefficiency with long lines at the
ticket counters. Half the time your luggage wouldn't go the same
destination you were. When you hear tales of rolled back
odometers, mechanics who charge $300 for fixing a two-cent part,
banks that lose deposits, cell phone companies that seem to
charge whatever they please, roofers who come three weeks after
they say they will, movers who pack the family cat and cab
drivers who can't speak English is it any surprise that people
want to know, "Why can't the government run like that, like a
business?" During the health care debate, when the big insurance
companies asked, "Do you want your health care run by an
incompetent, unfeeling, government bureaucrat who doesn't know
what it's like to have a real job?" they knew our answer would
be, "No, of course not. We want our health care run by an
incompetent, unfeeling, private heath care provider's
bureaucrat, the way it is now." The other difference between the
two plans was that the government's plan was cheaper. And that,
as any simpleton knows, is no way to run a business. When my
friends and family get together, sooner or later the
conversation always turns to how smart and clever our
non-government, private sector bosses are. Just think how many
times you've said to yourself, "How lucky this country would be
if only my boss worked for the government. Then it'd be run like
Dear Sir: My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, received
a check for $1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs.
So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind
of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs
not to raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in
keeping with all government policies. I would prefer not to
raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise,
then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs. As I
see it, the hardest part of this program will be keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised. My friend,
Peterson, is very joyful about the futures of the business. He
has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $422.00 in 1968, until this year, when he
got your check for $1000.00 for not raising hogs. If I get
$1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000. for not
raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will
mean about $80,000.00 for the first year. Then I can afford an
airplane. Now another thing, these hogs that I will not raise,
will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you pay
farmers not to raise corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments
for not raising corn and wheat not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am
not going to raise? Also, I am considering the "not milking
cows" business, so send me any information you have on that
also. In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food
stamps. Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours: xxxxxxxxx P.S. Would you please notify me
when you plan to distribute more free cheese??
The Policeman and the Fire Chief Police officer Michael Fenwick
was scheduled for all-night duty at the 8th District station. He
was relieved of duty early, and arrived home four hours ahead of
schedule, at 2 a.m. Not wanting to wake his wife Camille, he
undressed in the dark, creeped into the bedroom and started to
climb into bed. Camille sleepily sat up and said, "Mike,
dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store next
block and get me some extra strength Tylenol? I've got a
splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling
his way across the room, he crawled back into his uniform and
ran out of the house to the drug store. As he arrived,the
pharmicist looked up in surprise. "Say," said the druggist,
"aren't you officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am,"
said Fenwick. "Well, then, what in the world are you doing in
the fire chief's uniform?"
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake
up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want
to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well,
the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" "Oh,
that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get
ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well,
for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the
THE BURGLAR Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he
thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but
suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say,
"Jesus is watching you." Silence returned to the house, so the
burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice
boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.
Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted
a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot,
"Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the
parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the
parrot, "What's your name?" "Clarence," said the bird. "That's a
dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named
you Clarence?" The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the
THE REAL MOTHER-IN-LAW Two women came before wise King Solomon,
dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This
young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first woman.
"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other. And so
they haggled before the King until he called for silence. "Bring
me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young
attorney in half. Each of your daughters shall receive a half."
"Sounds good to me," said the first woman. But the other woman
said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let her daughter
marry him." The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The
attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.
"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed second woman.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE
Joe: Why don't you play golf with Bob any more?
Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats
the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?
Mike: Neither will Bob.
SIXTH SENSE Two cowboys came upon an Indian lying on his stomach
with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to
the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy.
"Look," says the first one, "He's listening to the ground. He
can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the
Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "About two miles
away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child,
furniture in wagon ..." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his
friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many
horses, what color, what's in the wagon -- just amazing!" The
Indian looks up and says, "Ugh ... not amazing ... wagon ran ...
over me ... 30 minutes ago!"