Three lawyers and three MBA's are traveling by train to a
conference. At the station, the three lawyers buy tickets and
watch as the three MBA's buy only a single ticket. "How are
three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA. They all board the
train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three
MBA's cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says,
"Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm
emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves
on. The lawyer saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.
So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the MBA's on
the return trip and save some money. When they get to the
station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the MBA's don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you
going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an MBA. When they board the
train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three MBA's
cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly
afterward, one of the MBA's leaves his restroom and walks over
to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the
door and says, "Ticket, please."
The New Visitor Remember how
easy it is for misunderstandings to occur when you're newlyweds?
Consider the young wife who greets her husband with a hug and a
lingering kiss when he returns from work one day. "I have great
news for you, darling. Pretty soon we're going to be three in
this house instead of just two." The husband is delighted,
radiant with happiness. "Oh darling," he says, "I'm the happiest
man in the world." "I'm glad that you feel that way," his bride
says, "because tomorrow morning my mother is moving in with us."
25
Oxymorons
25. Childproof 24. "Now, then
..." 23. Synthetic natural gas 22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression 20. Taped live 19. Clearly
misunderstood 18. Peace force 17. Extinct Life 16.
Temporary tax increase 15. Computer jock 14. Plastic
glasses 13. Terribly pleased 12. Computer security 11.
Political science 10. Tight slacks 9. Definite maybe 8.
Pretty ugly 7. Twelve-ounce pound cake 6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music 4. Working vacation 3. Exact estimate 2.
Religious tolerance 1. Microsoft Works
Really
Cool Jokes, Huh?
10 of the 2000 Alternate Uses for Peanut Butter
1. Feed
large globs of it to your dog for cheap entertainment. 2. Mix it
with egg whites and ammonia to see if it takes out stains. 3.
Lace it with cyanide and feed it to Barney. 4. Spread it on the
dog's back to watch him go crazy. 5. Squish it between your
fingers in the lunchroom muttering "Only two more hours and I
have so much left to study..." 6. Plug holes in your paneling
walls. 7. Make sure you have some stuck in your fingernails
whenever you go on a blind date. 8. Carry it around in your
duffel in case of emergencies. 9. Use it to stick things if you
run out of duct tape. 10. If you see a freshly poured sidewalk
drying drop globs of Peanut Butter into the cement to create
"holes" later.
The Life of Riley.
A man sentenced to prison was put in a
cell with an older convict who had been there for many years.
One day, they were talking about their pasts, and the old man
said, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe
that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the
Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women,
and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." "What
happened?" his new cellmate asked. "One day Riley reported his
credit cards missing."
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was
speeding down Main Street. "But officer," the man said, "I can
explain." "Just be quiet!!!" snapped the officer. "...or I'm
going to let you cool off in jail until the chief gets back."
"But officer, I just wanted to say..." "And I said KEEP QUIET!
Now you're going to jail!" A few hours later, the officer
checked up on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the
chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when
he gets back." "Don't count on it," said the man in the cell.
"I'm the groom!"
LATIN SEIZURES Carpe Diem -- Seize the Day
Carpet Diem --
Seize the carpet
Carpayment Diem -- Seize the checkbook
Carpe Duh -- Seize an idiot
Carp Diem -- Fish of the day
Crampy Diem -- Seize the Midol
Carpe Diet -- Seize the rice
cake
Carpal Diem -- Seize the knuckles
Carpe Dig'Em --
Seize the chips 'n dip
Carpe Carp -- Seize the fish
Carpe
Diem -- complain daily
Carpe Per Diem -- seize the check
Carpe Canem -- seize the dog
Carpe Devo -- seize the record
Carpe Calypso -- seize the DAY-O
Sharpei Diem -- sieze the
wrinkled dog
Three friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they
opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since
everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival
florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked
the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back
and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They
ignored her too. So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the
roughest and most vicious thug in town, to "persuade" them to
close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying
he'd be back if they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so,
thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury
trial. "Jury trial," he replied. "Do you understand the
difference?" asked the judge. "Sure," replied the
defendant,"That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate
instead of one."
A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids
through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously
frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign. "Hey, lady, have you
forgotten how to stop?" yelled an irate man. She rolled down her
window and said, "What makes you think these are all mine?"
When I went to get my driver's license renewed, our local
motor-vehicle bureau was packed. The line inched along for
almost an hour until the man ahead of me finally got his
license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to
the clerk, "I was standing in line so long, I ended up looking
pretty grouchy in this picture." The clerk looked at his picture
closely. "It's okay," he reassured the man: "That's how you're
going to look when the cops pull you over anyway."
THE PENGUINS There was this truck driver who had to deliver five
hundred penguins to the state zoo. As he was driving his truck
through the desert, the truck breaks down. After waiting by the
side of the road for about three hours he waves another truck
down and offers the driver $500 to take these penguins to the
state zoo for him. The next day the first truck driver arrives
in town and sees the second truck driver crossing the road with
500 penguins walking in single file behind him. The first truck
driver jumps out of his truck and says, "What's going on? I gave
you $500 to take these penguins to the zoo!" The second truck
driver replies, "I did take them to the zoo. And I had enough
money left over so now we're going to see a movie."
A guy
jumps out of an airplane with a parachute on his back. As he's
falling he realizes his chute is broken, now he doesn't know
anything about parachutes really, but as the earth rapidly
approaches he realizes his options are limited, he takes off the
parachute and tries to fix it himself on the way down. The wind
is ripping past his face, he's dropping like a rock, and at 5000
feet another guy goes shooting Up past him. In desperation, our
man with the chute looks up and yells, "Hey do you know anything
about parachutes?!?!?" The guy flying up looks down and yells,
"NO, do you know anything about Coleman gas stoves?!?"
10 Ways You Can Tell When Your Cow Has Mad Cow Disease:
1)
Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear
as cologne. 2) She refuses to let you milk her, saying, "Not on
a first date." 3) Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of
its ears. 4) She gets silicone implants for her udders. 5) She
appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's
body. 6) Your cow demands to be branded with the Golden Arches.
7) Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred. 8) Your cow
thought Frank Bruno would beat Mike Tyson. 9) You catch your cow
hiding secret plans to burn down half of Chicago. 10) Your cow
quits the family dairy business and applies for a job at Burger
King.
Buying Stamps
A woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps
for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asked the
clerk. "Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.
"Well, give me 50 Catholic and 50 Baptist ones." |
