THE ATHEIST'S PROPOSAL
A young lady came home from a date
rather sad. She told her mother, "He proposed to me an hour
ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked. "Because he
also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe
there's a hell!" Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between
the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."
IN THE GARDEN
Two elderly ladies meet at the
launderette after not seeing one another for a while. One asked
how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He
went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a
heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of
the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her
friend. "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead!"
Lacking Listening Skills
A police officer in a small town
stopped a motorist, who was speeding down Main Street. "But,
officer," the man began, "I can explain."
"Just be quiet,"
snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in
jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer,” the man
said, “I just wanted to say …"
"I said to keep quiet! You're
going to jail!" said the officer.
A few hours later, the
officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that
the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood
when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow
in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Men Are Just Like Computers!
Two sisters were
talking over breakfast, discussing how men were similar to
computers.
The first woman said, "In order to get their
attention, you have to turn them on."
The second woman
replied, "Yup, and they have a lot of data but are still
clueless."
The first woman added, "They are supposed to
help you solve problems but, half the time they ARE the
problem."
The second woman came up with, "A soon as you
commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little
longer, you could've had a better model."
Suddenly, the
husband of woman #2 entered the kitchen. He apparently had heard
the entire conversation!
He said, "And when they're
exposed to new information, it's stored and remembered for a
long, long time."
Rich Man, Poor Man
A rich man and a poor man are sitting
in a bar one night. The poor man asks the rich man what he got
his wife for her birthday. "I got her a brand new convertible
and a 24-karat diamond ring," said the rich man.
The poor
man, a bit puzzled by this, says "Why in the hell did you get
her both?"
The rich man replies, "I got her both because if
she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back in her new car
and exchange it."
After this, the rich man asks the poor man
what he got his wife for her birthday.
The poor man
responds," I got her a scarf and a pair of sneakers."
Obviously confused, the rich man asks why he chose those items.
The poor man replied, " Because if she doesn't like the
scarf, she can take a hike."
What did the battered woman do when she got home from her
battered women seminar? THE DISHES IF SHE KNOWS WHAT'S GOOD FOR
HER!!!
I must take every precaution not to get pregnant," said Edna to
Priscilla.
"But I thought you said your hubby had a
vasectomy," Priscilla responded.
"He did. That's why I
have to take every precaution."
Doom and Groom
"Congratulations, my boy!" said the uncle.
"I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest
day of your life."
"But I'm not getting married until
tomorrow," the groom protested.
"I know," replied the
uncle. "That's what I mean."
Wedding Dress
A fresh-faced lad on the eve of his wedding
night goes to his mother with the following question: "Mom, why
are wedding dresses white?"
The mother looks at her son
and replies, "Son, this shows the town that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his mom and goes off to double-check this
with his father. "Dad, why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all
household appliances come in white."
Fore He's a Jolly Good Fellow
A husband and wife are out
playing golf when, on the 14th hole, the man finds himself in
the rough with a barn between him and the green. As he ponders
just how he's going to save par, his wife suggests, "Why not
open the front and rear barn doors and hit through the barn?"
He thinks about it and decides to give it a try. After
opening the doors, he hits a low-flying shot, which smacks off
the barn door and ricochets to hit his wife right between the
eyes, killing her instantly.
About a month later, he's
finally put himself together again to start playing golf. The
first time out with his buddy, he somehow finds himself in the
same predicament on the 14th hole: right behind the barn. He
can't believe it. Considering the shot, his friend suggests,
"Why not open the barn doors and hit right through it?"
"God no," replies the man. "I tried that a few weeks ago and
made triple bogey."
Man oh Man
How many men does it take to take out the
trash?
Who knows? Has it ever happened?
Why do black
widow spiders kill their males after mating?
To stop the
snoring before it starts.
What's the difference between a
man and Bigfoot?
One is covered with matted hair and smells
awful. The other has big feet.
A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night
together, doing what newly weds do, time and again, all night
long.
Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom
but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the
bride to please bring one from the bedroom.
When she gets
to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for
the first time to his bride where she see him well.
Her
eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and
stared, and she asked shyly, "What's THAT?", pointing to a small
part of his anatomy.
He, also being shy, thought for a
minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with
last night."
And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all
we have left?"
Newly married
A mother had three daughters and, on their
wedding night, she tells each one to write back about their
married life.
To avoid possible embarrassment to their
new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother
and daughters agree to use newspaper advertisements as a 'code'
to let the mother know how their love lives are going.
The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives
with a single message, simply: 'Maxwell House Coffee'.
The mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell House
advertisement, and it says, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...'
So the mother is happy.
Then the second daughter gets
married.
After a week, there was a message that read:
'Rothman's Mattresses'.
So the mother looks at the
Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says, 'Full size, king size'.
And the mother is happy.
Then it comes to the third
one's wedding. Mother is anxious.
After four weeks came
the message: 'British Airways'. And the mother looks into the
British Airways ad, but this time she fainted.
The ad
reads: 'Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'
"Oh God," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is
almost completely gone!" Her husband looked up from the
newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving
me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
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